Like Gulliver, but tied down by small problems.

i just cooked the first proper meal since boxing day. yeah ive cooked spag-bol and stuff for myself but i love cooking and making a lovely curry was great! i made cauliflower Bhajis, i made a vegetable curry, and i cooked some beef with a spice crust, was good! i need to cook more but only cooking for myself doesnt really see the need for it. i need to find more opportunities to cook obviously.

ive been chatting to a family member about my head today. talking about some of the silly little things in my head and how they’ve affected me through my life. its weird because ive been thinking recently that the small things that affect me have caused me bigger problems over time and with quantity. so, some of my hallucinations arent really that problematic but after a while of seeing not especially nice things it has affected me negatively. i saw a couple of children who were hacked in half vertically and i would see them from waking up to sleeping, it didnt really affect me believe it or not, but over time i think it probably had a lasting affect on me, after all i can remember it still, and i can remember feeling fed up with it. i knew it wasnt real, but it was incredibly real to see with my eyes. i imagine it would be like looking at a harrowing painting for two months solid, its not going to be nice. also, aphantasia and visual snow has affected me minimally over the years, i didnt even know one was unusual but it probably would have helped me with positivity and even in school to remember things. its hard for me to read unless i get engrossed quickly and just slight frustration since my early teens has built up over time.

i think some of this stuff just naturally lowers my mood, its not what other people experience and none of them are positive, just slightly negative, i could do without all of them though. i do wish a lot of the time that my mind could be absolutely ‘normal’ but i think if it did just happen it would freak me out now anyway. i would like to be better i know that, just take away my paranoia and hallucinations and ill be well happy!



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