the beach can be an odd place sometimes. you see different characters every time you come here, all the different dogs, and while i only came to this part of the beach yesterday it looks completely different. i know that the sea has been doing a job on the beach and cliffs but i dont think it would have changed it so much in twenty-four hours. maybe im just seeing it from a different perspective, noticing different things today.
ive come here today because i just wanted to be productive, never-mind that i was shopping at nine-thirty this morning, but i needed to see the outdoors, and you know i love the beach! even just sitting here doing nothing but writing in my pad, i feel more productive than the rest of my day. i think its probably because it feels like therapy for me, listening to nothing but nature, or the odd dog walker calling their lovely pal back to them. if only i could have my psychiatry sessions here, i think everything would be much more relaxed, perhaps it would in fact spoil the beach for me. i think i will keep it largely to myself.
so, today has been full of surprises! ive surprised myself and ive been surprised by a nice small thing or two. as i mentioned earlier i went shopping for food because, well, i need food to live. i dont even think it was a conscious decision to go out and shop, i sort of just shoved my coat on, grabbed some bags and went. it wasnt too great when i got there. i get paranoid in public, i worry people are following me, filming me, looking for any reason to laugh at me, or they want to hurt me, i can tell you now, this isnt a great feeling, especially if there are a hundred other people in the shop with you. i managed to get everything (i think) and then came straight back home. im surprised here because i managed it, and surprised because i just got up and did it.
i also got my enamel pin badges from the U.S.A today. this is pretty cool because i wasnt expecting them today. im wearing one right now! it’s alongside my mental health pin which i bought from the Mental Health Foundation website (u.k).
ooooh, i can hear the cliff eroding away beside me, its both frightening and wonderful just how powerful the sea is, especially here on the east coast of England just recently.
im going to go now, im going to enjoy the sunshine on the rest of my walk back to the car. its been a good day so far, hopefully i havent jinxed it by writing that.
P.S i got home a mowed the lawn, another surprise. what an active day for me! i also just realised i havent had a serious suicidal thought for a few days now, things must be improving for me.
I would also like to reference myschizomind.wordpress.com. The latest post was just the essence of what I, and I imagine many others go through trying to fit in with real life. Authenticity.