well this day has been just awful. i havent missed having a friend somewhere near in ages. i was wondering today if i had actually made my own bed when it comes to friends, then i remind myself that i have done that once in the past and this definitely isnt that. i dont regret removing a ‘friend’ or two from my life, especially when they steal from you, and i dont regret those who chose to leave me as a friend after i asked them for help, i especially dont regret them going after the way they decided they would, threats and telling me i should die are not nice things to say to someone who is supposed to be a best friend. oh well.
anyway, today ive been lonely, ive been bored, ive wanted to do something but have had no one to anything with, twiddling my thumbs after my walk early this morning was the most exciting thing i did today. when i have motivation and have no way at all to utilise it is horrible. i know this whole volunteering thing will have some sort of positive impact on my life, but i dont know how much, and there is even a chance it might be a negative impact it has. last time i volunteered it didnt give me friends it just gave me people i saw sometimes while i worked, just like any job ive had really. no, this volunteering wont change my life, it wont make my problems go away and wont give me everything i need, i just really hopes it doesnt go tits up and i manage to get something out of it.
today i asked a family member who has been helping me to stop helping more. its nice that this person wants to help more but they are doing the work of two people right now to make me feel better and i dont want it to become actual work for them, i dont want it to be hard on them, and to be honest i wouldnt mind if someone else did something. it frustrates me that people around me are just doing fuck all and someone who lives many miles away is really going out of their way to do a lot! i know, i dont want it to be like work for anyone else either, its just horrible that no one wants to do anything with me, its horrible that i feel like i am no part of anyones life. ive said it before and ill say it again, i know people have their lives to get on with but i wish i was actually a part of their lives and that they could get on with their life with me in it. i am surrounded by family where i live but none of them pay an interest in me, they get on with their lives without me and they are happy. i am alone, on my own, while at the same time being surrounded by family members, the majority of whom live less than 10 miles away. this is why i feel unimportant, this is why i feel unwanted, and after all my friends decide to dump me, i feel awful.
in conclusion, i know im alone, i know im not important enough for people to pay any sort of interest in me, and i know i dont matter and im unwanted, give me an argument against it, ill have a plain and simple obvious answer. oh and for gods sake, dont just tell me the opposite and do sweet FA about it because im never going to believe you. i always try my hardest for the people around me, there has to be a damn good reason why i wouldnt and unless you steal from me or tell me i need to die im going to try my hardest to be the best person i can be for you.