yesterday was difficult for me, very difficult. ive got a hangover from yesterday, my mind isnt really there in that place i wouldnt mind it being in. i did go for a walk this morning with a family member which was ok for me but it only washed away part of my problem. i did get to talk about a few things that are difficult for me though. my independence is something i struggle with a lot. yes i need some help but i dont need food to be fed to me, and this is how i feel at the moment. i need help staying sane, i dont need help with every little thing in my life thats in everyone elses. i struggle with the fact i dont live on my own, yes id struggle on my own a little but that doesnt mean i cant live on my own. right now id struggle less living on my own thats for sure. i just need to make sure i have a support network i can call on when i need it, i dont need it right there all the time, or in fact a lack of support network right there in front of me. living more independently is so important for me, im an adult and i should be able to at least look after that part of my life, and i can, i just dont have any funds to do this.
i wish i could work. i know i cant work, im not well enough to do it but it doesnt stop me wanting to work. i do silly things like applying for jobs when i at my worst and hope they say no obviously, but sometimes i would love a job interview just to know i can get somewhere if i wanted. im in a predicament about working anyway. i know i cant work because of where i am at the moment but i also know that if i could work now its going to be incredibly difficult for me to get a job because ive now been off work for three years, thats not easy to get around on a CV. right now i am literally starting at the beginning of working life, ive gone back to volunteering (which i still havent heard anymore about since i emailed 5 days ago) and im hoping that will lead to something positive in this respect. at least volunteering will give me experience and thats something i can work on, i can show i can work, i can show ive been productive, i just cant deal with actual work stress right now, or for a while yet, i have to sort out more stressful things first.
so i imagine you’ve noticed im not talking about the friend thing right now, this is because i can do zero things about it. i cant go out looking for friends, i have no friend wingman to go out with, i cant buy friends it needs to just happen to me. yes it gets me really down, its extremely upsetting for me knowing i have no one like that in my life anymore but i really hope that will change, im not sure how it will change but im hoping it will somehow. i feel like i need to completely reset some of my life and start it all somewhere else, just start most of my life in a different place, you never know, once ive got some experience back under my belt perhaps i can actually do this, jsut go somewhere else and get a job and live differently away fomr some horrible baggage. my baggage is making life difficult for me right now, and for finding friends its even more difficult due to baggage. i need to shed some baggage, i wont be able to do it straight away but ill manage it in the end.
living with mental health problems is difficult but just recently ive had support from D, S and M so thank you for your backing it really helps what each of you are doing, and youre all doing different things that help. just knowing youre there helps me no end. i hope you know who you are, i just dont really like putting names in my blog. thanks again.
im going to go now. life tip……….never get schizo-affective disorder, its too difficult.