im back at the beach for the second time today. i know i know, i cant stay away from here! ive decided to walk the cliff way this time instead of along the sea wall, i dont really fancy seeing the same part of the beach again, plus it looked less busy this way (it is). the beach actually smells dead today. the amount of sea-life that has been washed up due to the bad weather in the last couple of weeks has decided to decay and it smells really bad! it is still beautiful here though, smell doesnt upset the eyes.
i have a nagging thought in my head which i thought i had gotten rid of this morning. someone is holding a grudge against me and its affecting my life. i decided a few years ago not to hold a grudge on someone purely because i have bigger fish to fry, and to be honest, so does everyone else. they take up even more of my time thinking about past problems. they’re not good for me, and again, theyre not good for anyone. i treat those memories like a small scar, youre going to live with it forever, but you dont spend your life annoyed about how it happened, and you certainly dont get angry about it, you just live with it and carry on with life. ‘life’s too short to hold long grudges’ is a quote i really like, i think it puts the point across that you shouldnt spend your life being angry at something, you dont have long to live, why do that?!
so, i bought music and earphones with me today. i worry about wearing them sometimes because it takes a sense away from your surroundings. i worry about this because of my paranoia, it will make me worry someone is going to kill me from behind and i wont have any warning. sometimes i have to be aware (as i write this someone came from behind me and passed me. what if they wanted to jump me and i had my earphones in?!) of my surroundings for this reason, i cant be too careful. also, if i play music i might start dancing, and no one wants that! well, maybe on my way back to the car.
by the way, being ill sucks, especially when the illness is invisible. i have to cope with people thinking this is who i am all the time. it doesnt confuse people when i pretend to be happy, but when im visibly suffering, people are baffled by my reactions to things. my emotional responses arent the same as most other peoples, but now a lot of people know i suffer so why the bafflement?! im baffled! education is the key to this i reckon. if more people who dont suffer talked about these things to people who did, maybe people would understand the meaning to why i am the way i am about things.