yesterday evening was a nightmare for me (if you read my previous post you’ll know why) so i needed to clear my head this morning because i woke up with a busy mind. my mind goes at a million miles an hour a lot of the time and ive found a way to curb that for the most part……walks at the beach.
my walk at the beach was lovely, again, busy in the mornings now, its definitely easter holidays because there was a lot of younger people on the beach, there was even someone writing on the beach, thats what i (sometimes) do! i got the opportunity to just look at the sea, i like to listen to the wind and the sea as well, its very sensory. the sun was also shining. it was a bit bright for me but i got past that quickly even though on my walk back to the car my eyes were watering from the brightness. i hate sensitive eyes! i took a single picture while i was there. im thinking i might start an instragram account, im just worried i’ll just end up taking pictures of food, i dont want to do that. anyway, i really like the picture i took, hopefully today my mind will transform into what i feel this picture shows.
i also realised at the beach that my mind was still really busy, it was busy in a different way though. my mind loves to make up stories and scenarios in my head. sometimes these stories can be positive and sometimes bad. i managed to think about if having a suicide buddy would be a good or bad thing, and then made up a load of scenarios about it. this isnt good obviously but i think about that so much that it doesnt really affect me that much anymore. i also thought about what would happen if there was a tsunami oln the beach, how would i react and where would i go for safety, made up a load of scenarios for that as well. for someone who cant picture things in their mind i sure have a vivid imagination, its just a shame that today it was a bit negative.
i got post today for my neurology appointment at the hospital. im gunna have an EEG. apparently i might also have epilepsy on top of everything else, im not convinced i do but they wan tto have a look. i thin k i mentioned this before, im hoping they have a good look at everything else going on in there as well. it does get a bit frustrating when theoretical diagnosis are thrown around for my mind. people think i have all sorts wrong with me, on top of everything else wrong with me. i would rather have nothing or very little, and if its very little i can just deal with that. im happy (if you can call it happy) with just having schizoaffective disorder and nothing else. by the way, i just include all the emotional mental health problems with schizoaffective disorder, no point outlining all the problems, i just go for the big one and leave it at that.
right, im off now. i am going to have a local sourced Scotch Egg for lunch, its big and tasty!