the weather is awful here today so i havent really been able to go for a walk. i know, the weather doesnt stop me usually but today i havent really got any motivation. today was a day where i didnt really want to wake up and instead i woke up fairly early. i have to endure more of a day that i didnt want to endure any of, fun times.
im having all the thoughts i really didnt want to have today, im thinking about how my family are enjoying themselves while im shut up indoors away from them. ive decided its my fault. i should have just said yes to the original invitation, i should have made sure i could have gone, sort of cemented by appearance early on. i shouldnt have dithered about if i was going or not, i should have just said yes. i know, at the time i really wasnt in a place where i could have gone, i wasnt in a good place at all. none of this means i shouldnt have said yes, i could have thought ahead to me being a little better than i was at the time. i was in no place at the time, but i think im in the right(ish) place now. i mean, i knew this weekend would be bad but i was hoping i would have got a lift. i suppose yesterday going to the woods with someone was ok, i just need another one now. my god im difficult, even for myself!
maybe i need to relax on what people do for me as well. people are trying to help i know, people are making an effort but all to often i get sat down when i stand up and then i need a lift again. i wouldnt mind a month where things just arent bad, things are tolerable, where things just seem to go in my favour just a little bit. maybe i dont count the first couple of days of April as any part of this month, maybe my month starts tomorrow. this sounds like a plan, these are just some zero days where they dont matter. ive got things to look forward to in April anyway, im going to start officially volunteering which is good, and we’ll see what happens after that. i mean, there are a lot of things that can go wrong in April, there are a lot of things hanging in a balance, i just need them to go alright and i should be good for the month.
i hope someone contacts me today otherwise its going to be another lonely day.