ive decided that today im going to write as i go and write it all later (now). im doing this so i dont write loads of different posts today, ive been doing that a lot lately and i think i need to rein this in a little.
the reason im doing my writing as i go is because i want to write this morning. ive woken up bad this morning, more specifically my mood has been fine, but as of late my head is liking playing games with me. as soon as my mind opened this morning my mind started going a million miles an hour. i keep thinking people are doing things just to ruin my life. i was woken up this morning and while i was laying in bed there was no let up. there was loads of noise and talking to me from downstairs. i was in bed! maybe they just wanted me to get up, maybe they didnt want me sleeping, i dont know, all i know is that i ended getting up far too early. not a good start to the day.
n one called me yesterday, this made it a very lonely day. it turns out the reason i was uninvited from family day wasnt even a thing in the end, it wasnt an issue. it just seems like it was just made up so i couldnt go. this stuff is awful for me because it sparks my paranoia off and it doesnt go away.
something that has bothered me for years is spying, specifically my family spying on me, it also includes people involved in my life. people try and control my life using their spying, im back to the point where im checking for cameras and im thinking of places to hide from them. the problem with this is that they are everywhere. i guess i just have to live with this and try and just disrupt people trying to control my life. there is something similar to this that im going through as well, i dont want to talk about this because of safety.
i have a brand new thing going on in my head as well. im worried im not talking when i think i am. i am worried im just thinking words in a conversation. im worried to question it with anyone because theyll probably just lie and ill continue to look like a fool. oh well, all this stuff is horrid, it gets rid of my motivation, im worried about talking, im worried about doing anything. people wonder why i dont want to live. try living my life with daily problems like these and these problems are just a few of a lot of daily issues, not even including my mood problems!
ive gone for a walk along the beach and the whole time ive been thinking about one thing (apart form worrying about all the people here). ive been thinking about how elastic peoples minds are. i mean, i havent been thinking about it literally obviously, more along the lines of how widely a mind can think and how many directions a mind is elastic. there are people who write fiction, people who play role playing games, some who even have enough imagination to believe the world is flat! some people invent, some people have an imagination in numbers, one thing all these minds have in common is that they can control their thoughts and they arent harmful. i believe i have a very elastic mind, i can warp reality after all! i think outside of boxes that people dont even know exist, the difference is that i cant control this and it is harmful. maybe its harmful because i cant control it. what is i could control my mind? would my mind work the same way? theres something to think about for me!
im gunna take some pictures now, there are people nearby and its freaking me out.