so i havent actually written on here for the last couple of days, this is partly because ive been lazy and partly because i wanted to just reflect on some good things and didnt want to write them down because i was worried it might all leave my head. i wasnt really busy on the first day but the second day (yesterday) was a nice one.
saturday was another lonely day but i did have a bit to look forward to. i didnt go for a walk, i didnt do anything really, i think i just ate too much. oh wait, to eat a lot i had to go to the shops, i managed to get to the shops and buy food, sure its always uncomfortable and i dont like it but i managed it. i watched TV, a lot of TV. im currently watching ‘how i met your mother’ from the beginning which is good because i like it! i think this was just one of those days where not a lot happened. i do know my thoughts were trying their hardest to get the better of me, and if id written it down it probably would have left before it potentially got bad but it wasnt really too bad.
yesterday was a different day to my usual days. yesterday i went out i did things all day, i saw people who wanted to see me, and i had a lovely lunch. i did write about it in my ‘friends’ blog post the other day. i had a lovely sunday lunch cooked for me, then i went for a walk on the beach, a different beach to usual, i just spent some nice time with some nice people.
i didnt really want to leave but at the same time i didnt want to overstay my welcome. i dont think im very good at reading signs for leaving somewhere when the time is right, i just decided to go when i thought they might want me to go. but yeh, i had a ice cream on the beach (the weather wasnt great but who cares), i walked the dog with friends who i thought i would really only see once a year, i looked at pictures of wildlife which i always love. they had a cuckoo in their back garden, this is something im in awe of, plus there were pictures of it! this day was a good one. in fact, on the saturday i had my first conversation at home about something that involves all the friends i see once a year, good stuff, and something to look forward to. what is a shame is that because i dont have the ability to remember good past memories im probably not going to remember this, ill know it happened but i wont be able to remember any specifics, not even small bits. i have to write notes down to remember these things the day after! oh well.
other than this my head has been a little silly. someone wrote a blog post on here that i just wanted to show the world but just showed a family member. it just describes the situations in my life that arent ordinary for pretty much anyone really. it described how things affect me, how my paranoia gets the better of me, it described just what i go through in day to day life that others dont. i then explained to the family member that its why even the small things really do get the better of me. when you have so many invisible problems going on in your head even the smallest issue thats visible to others can affect me a huge amount. i tell you what i am pleased about, im not really hearing or seeing anything unusual at the moment, you know, the things that other people dont see or hear.
as for my depression (im not covering anxiety because that’s just all the time) its perhaps clearing a little at the moment. i still dont want to live, i still think im too much of a coward to do anything about it though. i do however remind myself that there have been times that i did want to be alive so i hang on to those thoughts. sure, i dont have memories of the times that i wanted to be alive but i do know there were times.
today ive woken up a bit groggy, i think im tired and worn out. doing stuff wears me out because i dont do it often, i just have to get used to that again. i feel a little lonely today, i have just got to remind myself that not all days are like yesterday and that there are days where you dont do things, i just think i want to be doing more than not doing anything right now, thats for the future though, ive got my volunteering starting soon and i can look forward to that.
im off now, ive written far too much in such a short amount of time and im worried theres more to come today because its still early.