its 10.30AM and im already away with the fairies today. i have a feeling today will be one of those days. when im away with the fairies its not always bad, in fact today is a bit fairy-tailish. sometimes i imagine meeting people who are just nice, people who just want to be my friend and get along with me. i know it may not sounds like a fairy-tail but it is to me. for someone who doesnt really have friends around him to daydream about having friends seems unrealistic sometimes. i also daydream about other things of course e.g being a celebrity or doing something extraordinary. i know these examples will never come true and i dont believe for one second they will, its nice to have good thoughts sometimes, after all, these are the only good thoughts i really have, the more realistic thoughts i have are all doom and gloom. its a shame that most of my thoughtd are just terrible, i suppose i just have to relish the thoughts that are unrealistic.
i was talking to someone on the phone yesterday about my mental illness of schizoaffective disorder and how i know when some things are going to happen and we got onto the topic of having psychotic episodes. now, i can pretty much tell if im going to have a psychotic episode, sometimes hours before i actually have one and i shall tell you why. sometimes i wake up and there is a lot of tension in my head. now im not talking about headaches, im not talking about pressure on temples or anything like that, what im talking about is rather a stress on my brain. sometimes my brain can feel heavy, it can feel a lot more dense than usual, this is often a tell tail sign that im going to go wrong that day. something else is that my thoughts are often fleeting but incredibly frequent. i can wake up in the morning and my mind will be going even faster than usual, it will be just flitting from one topic to another at milliseconds at a time, it will be incredibly busy. another tell tail sign. the last early tell sail sign is the fact that i am obviously confused by a lot. i will not have any focus, i wont be able to talk properly about anything to anyone. im almost incoherent in the hours leading up to a psychotic episode.
these things usually tell me im going to have an episode, or what doctors are starting to call them ‘auras’. now, this aura label is starting to annoy me, the reason being is because doctors have started attaching it to epilepsy. doctors are starting to believe i might have epilepsy because of my ‘auras’ and its doing my head in. the reason its doing my head in is because if they had just asked a few more questions about my condition they would know i dont have it, or at least none of what i go through is attached to epilepsy. if they had asked me questions about my psychotic episodes, if they had asked me how i feel leading up to one, if they had asked me how i was while having one and what i was like after they would know its not the case. now i have to have an EEG to rule it in or out and i know i dont need one. i mean , i cant blame doctors for this, little is known about schizophrenia so they dont know what to ask, they dont know what they should be looking for, all i know is they are looking for the wrong thing. but hey, if it turns out i have epilepsy its just one more thing they can add to the list of problems i have. all i know is, i ruled out epilepsy years ago when i thought it may have been a problem. all i had to do was ask myself some questions to get to the right conclusion. oh well!
i missed one other thing about knowing something is going to happen, it sort of relates to the last symptom that i mentioned, the one about talking and focusing, this is my actual speech. if im going to have a psychotic episode i often stutter in the hours leading up to one. its an obvious stammer that really bothers me. i really dont like not being able to speak properly when i know i fully well can, it bothers me, but it is a tell tial sign that somethings going to happen that day.
isnt it weird, psychotic episodes dont creep up on me, they dont surprise me or shock me, they tell me when theyre going to happen, i can often find a comfortable place to be in before i have one, and i can sometimes even get myself to sleep right before one happpens. i know its just about to happen because everything because massive, all the symptoms becomes really prevalent and have built up to a finale of an episode. because the stress of it all is so much its often incredibly tiring so i just try to sleep as that all happens, it sometimes works.
now i know not many people are really going to know what im on about with any of this because not many people suffer with schizophrenia, not many people who suffer actually get the same symptoms either, what i would like to know is, does anyone who reads these ramblings, who also suffers from schizophrenia, get any of these tell tail symptoms before a psychotic episode? do you have anything to let you know something is going to go down that day? do they creepy up on you unlike my version of events? i would love to know, perhaps even just to look out for anything else that might be a tell tail sign that im going to go wrong!