Do I care if I die?

im back to where i live now. i had a nice few days away, which were relatively stress free, much less stressy than my usual day to day life, and theres reason for that.

ive been for my walk today, this one was back at the beach. i kept catching myself losing track of what i was thinking about. i kept drifting off to thoughts were unhealthy for me. i try to catch these thoughts if i can, i cant necessarily turn them off, well i cant ever turn them off but i can distract myself from them, thats my version of turning them off i suppose. i hate it when m y mind wanders to internal dialogue, portraying some person to be horrible in my mind because of something they never said in a conversation that never happened, in a place that that person and i have never been to together. nevertheless i get carried away with these thoughts, i start believing them, i start to get wound up, and at the end of it all i am bitter towards someone for something that never happened. its a horrible situation to be in, believing in thoughts and scenarios that arent real. what i ended up doing was just doing something a little more different on my walk e.g taking a picture or walking somewhere slightly differently.

i suppose i should be thankful that my thoughts arent of extreme paranoia at the moment. sure i suffer from it, i suffer form it daily but it doesnt take up my whole day at the moment. im very aware that its about and im very aware that its trying to intrude. i dont know how i stop it taking over, it must be something im doing, i dont really know what it is though. i think because ive got a little more going on in my life at the moment perhaps it doesnt have the opportunity to take over, however, in the past ive had a lot of things to do and its still taken over. im saying all this because usually when its about it really does take over quite quickly, this time it isnt though. i dont think im getting better or anything, i just think its perhaps reminding me that its there, it can tkae over if it wants, but at the moment its just deciding to stay inthe background. its very much a specific scenario thing at the moment. sure, there are some things in my life im constantly fighting with but because they are so everyday now they dont really bother me as much. ive sort of taken the steps to be more OK with them. i think i have to live my life no matter what there is dangerous going to happen to me, if it happens it happens. to be honest the fact that i dont really want to live anymore helps with that. im not too bothered if someone poisons me, im not to bothered if someone is planning to kill me, what i do worry about is the fact that when they do someone is going to try and make me better again, and i dont want that, i would rather people just let me die.

anyway, while im living my life i might as well do as much as i can while im here. i know there were points i didnt want to die so focusing on that means i might get there one day, i dunno, i dont really care, id rather just not be in this stupid limbo of horrific life, somewhere between death and life. isnt that weird…………peoples goals in life are usually to improve upon work, or lose weight, something along those lines, mine is to just live, but i dont even care if that doesnt happen. oh deary dear.

what i will say is i walked into this house today after a few days away and as soon as i opened the door to come in i just tensed up, i literally opened a door and got stressed, nothing had even happened. i think im not happy here, well i know im not to be honest, i think thats been made pretty clear from previous blog posts. oh well.

sorry this post hasnt been that great, i just had some stuff to say.


2 thoughts on “Do I care if I die?

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