the other day i had some motivation, i had some momentum in making myself feel better. i woke up tuesday morning and it just started draining away very quickly.
sometimes when you have mental health issues there is no reason for a downturn. it annoys me when people ask me what caused it. ‘what triggered it?’ is often what im asked by health professionals, and this annoys me more. why dont these people know that there isnt necessarily a trigger, even more importantly, triggers arent really that important, not to me anyway. if there is a trigger for something like this it doesnt have to be something that will ever happen again, its not something you can change, its not something that can usually be managed either. looking for a road to recovery is more important for me, and looking at a cause doesnt help that. now, people may think that managing a similar situation in the future is good but at this time its not important in the slightest. i know what causes downturns, i know what forces me into bad situations, i also know that trying to fix that issue straight after isnt the right thing to do, fix me first, then we can look at what perhaps caused the problem once im better, once im able to comprehend things properly. i really do take issue to how some mental health issues are dealt with, this is one of those things.
i will tell you now that today isnt going too well for me, i woke up and didnt want to get up, once i got up i didnt want to anything because that motivation i thought i had, ive now lost. i dont want to go for a walk today, i dont want to look after myself today. ive done next to nothing today, in fact, writing this is the most ive done today. well, im not sure about that. i filled out a form earlier, and i suppose its probably a big deal. my therapist has been recommending i go on a course with the recovery college. the course ive asked to enroll on is to do with telling my mental health story. i think its a course on communicating my life better. it sounds like a good thing, it sounds like something i might be interested in, so today i filled a registration form out for it.
i can tell you, now ive filled that form out, now im writing this, i can tell im going to have zero motivation afterwards, im even losing concentration and motivation to finish this.
im going to go now. i hate emotional troubles, not as much as psychotic troubles, but i still hate them…………a lot.