i suppose today has been OK. i went for a walk today which was nice, i didnt really want to be there, i was paranoid someone was following me the whole time, and every time i came across a person i worried that they were just thinking bad things about me, and thinking of bad things to do to me, but i still walked. i do have to remember that parts of the walk were good. as ive said a lot, i like to talk when i can, i like to just get stuff off my chest, i like to talk about what im thinking, and i like to talk about anything positive i can think of as well. topics of conversation today were my registration for the recovery college, wildlife and dogs!
i looked for frog spawn at the woods pond, saw plenty of birds flying around, e.g Buzzards, jays, and small other birds making lots of noise, and talked about whther there were any snakes in the woods and how cool it would be. i love my wildlife, it fascinates me and takes my mind off things. because wildlife is such a good thing for me my volunteering (which should have already started really) is going to be good for me. im going to be out in nature, im going to be helping nature, and it gives me an opportunity to look to the skies for wonderful birds. i need the volunteering to start now really, im bored of waiting.
i only registered for the recovery college a couple of days ago but already im anxious about it. im worried about making a bad impression, im worried if it was just set up so people can ambush me, and what if people really want to pry into my life before ive got to know them?! i cant deal with that! i must still persevere with it though, ive got to do new things, and if bad things happen, they happen, i guess ill just deal with them as they come up. this doesnt mean i wont really worry about it for the next month though. i also think ill be the only person who suffers with what i suffer with as well. schizoaffective disorder isnt exactly common. if you search it up on google you get just over a million results, search depression up and you get nearly a hundred-and-twenty million results. i just think ill be talking about things no one has any clue about, and everyone will judge me for my illness as well, i usually feel a stigma when i stick out like a sore thumb. again, just deal with it when it comes along (and for the next 20 years of my life in my head).
As for dogs, yes, i could walk other peoples dogs but that isnt really going to work for me. i really like the idea of walking dogs, i love them! but its the owners im worried about. i want to upset dogs less than their owners but i dont really want to upset them either. my paranoia is already getting the better of me, luckily i can see it paranoia but it doesnt help it go away. i am scared of people, they are frightening. i always think tou can get a good idea of people when they are in small groups, some bitch, some throw around ill advice, and believe it or not, people judge! people judge a lot! i try my hardest not to do these things but even i do them. people are scary because as soon as your back is turned people take advantage of it and you. in regards to taking advantage, ive been taken advantage of many many times in my life and i rolled over and took it. i reckon i would do it again and again as well. i find it hard to have friends so when someone wants to be my ‘friend’ i grab the opportunity with both hands, just to be taken advantage of, and by that time i dont want to let go so i just bend over.
Thank you for the person on here that i seem to relate to. you write better than me and sometimes it confuses me that you write stuff that ive been thinking my whole life but never wrote down myself. much appreciated!
im now off to watch How i met your mother, im going to think about stuff that probably has no impact on me, and im going to try and feel better somehow. im still yet to figure out how to do that last one.
Enjoy my woody pond picture.