beyond my best judgement ive decided im going to start applying for a job. im not going big, only part time, but i need to move the boundaries of what i think im capable of right now.
sure i think im not completely ready, but something thats been nagging in my head is that maybe i am but im not pushing myself. something i blame for not being as well as i could be is the fact im not doing anything. if i had stuff to do i think i might improve myself, i might be able to get up and running every day. so, part time work looks like its on the cards. ive just got to find a job and go for it.
i think ive also come to this decision because of the volunteering. i am waiting and waiting for something like this to happen in my life, i was hoping to start volunteering so that i can get back on some sort of horse, get back out there and do something. its now been over two months since i applied to volunteer, and over a month since i tried to apply to specific volunteering. ive been waiting long enough for something to happen and im having to wait for other people to move my life forward. i dont want this. if this ‘opportunity’ keeps being pushed back and i cant do anything about it im going to have to do something else.
right, even though i said all this previous stuff, it doesnt stop me from having a bad day today. i woke up and immediately felt bad. to be honest, the reason i felt bad is because im not doing anything and i woke up just thinking about how this day is a waste before id even got out of bed (hence the job move) and how i have no reason to get up in the morning (hence the job move…….again). ive been bored, ive felt worthless, ive felt emotional, this all needs to reduce, and if my mind is taken off of this sort of thing i might be able to reduce it. hey, i can always say no if i get toward an interview, i can also say yes, i just know something has to change and i need to explore avenues that maybe i dont think im ready for, but perhaps i am.
small steps, its not going to be something that is going to be difficult as a job, itll still be difficult for me i imagine because ill need to adjust but small steps still. i might not even get an interview though, we’ll see.