today im writing outside because its just so beautiful. im just staying in the back garden today, mainly because im too tired to actually go out.
i didnt write anything yesterday due to the fact that i was busy. i did a lot of walking. i was with a friend. yes, you read that correctly, a friend! this is the same friends ive seen a bit recently, one of the friends i only thought id see once a year in the summer. now ive seen him three times in the last month. awesome stuff! we walked around a couple of nature reserves throughout yesterday afternoon and evening, and we even went looking for a very rare bird on one of the walks, we didnt see it, we just say a load of other people trying to see it. we managed to see a slow worm which was pretty cool. it looks more like a snake, but is a lizard with no legs. after the sunny walks we went back to my friends and joined his wife and had a barbecue. it was really nice. do you know what……….the whole day was really nice. i was busy having fun doing something i love to do, with people who i feel comfortable around. Thank you!
my plan today was to go out but i decided against it. there seemed to be a hundred reasons not to go out and just one or two reasons to get up and go. im not regretting my decision. sure it would have been nice to see a couple of people who i havent seen in a while but i woke up this morning and my mind was instantly made up. i think i shouldnt force myself to do anything i dont want to do, or things that are too difficult, easing into things is much better. i think this is why i should be getting a part time job now. ive got to a point where i need to improve my life, im fed up with waiting for other people, so ive got to take steps to make a difference to myself. and easing into work is going to be a good thing. part time jobs seems appropriate now, just not something that needs me to think a lot, i do too much of that already.
onto my mental health, its rocky. its not nearly as rocky as it was a few weeks ago, but still its rocky. im in a sort of bad-day/good-day routine at the moment. its something i can live with. however, bad-day/good-day routines do annoy me because i feel like im walking on a ledge where one side is safety and the other side is a huge drop. so many times ive walked this ledge and fallen down the huge drop. it does worry me a bit every time i get into this routine, ive just got to be careful.
im not suffering with paranoia too much at the moment. i suffer with everyday things, the things i can live with everyday, but the other stuff hasnt been affecting me a lot during the day. so, paranoia has been affecting me at night. usually my mind runs at a million miles an hour as soon as my head hits the pillow but some more in depth paranoid thoughts have been affecting me at this time. they’ve been creeping in slowly in the last couple of weeks, ive been keeping a metaphorical eye on them. my worries are of people watching me, and my room being bugged. this makes me uncomfortable at night, and to add to it my inner dialogue makes things a lot worse. its bad enough that everyday my worries can range from my phone being tapped, or my phones camera always being on and people watching me through it, to being spied on by others. being spied on is my main thing. of people are out to kill me. the two usually intertwine. i dont want problems of paranoia stopping me from sleeping. if its going to be about id rather it wasnt everyday. im fed up with getting to bed an not sleeping for hours after i go up.
A message to my night-time mind,
you can keep the racing thoughts, just please remove the paranoia.
OK, so we’re having a barbecue here this evening. i really dont regret not going out today. im a big barbecue person so i love it whenever one is fired up. i always thinks of them as very social occasions, even when there are only two of you. i think i might have to try and organise something so people can come and enjoy a barbie here. yes, i know i say people are scary but when people are eating its different for some reason. i think its because people are focused on food and beer.
im off now to get and think about food and beer.