Powerful paranoia.

i talked to someone about my schizoaffective disorder today. its not something i do a lot, in fact i do it very rarely. i talked about how this illness seems to want to take it to the next level, how it changes things from ‘maybe it’ll happen to me’ to ‘i am being targeted, and it will happen to me’.

a lot of things in my life that ive heard about, things that ive seen on the news, things that ive just pieced together in my head from random things all become things that will happen to me. luckily, right now i can talked about these things because im not suffering with too much paranoia right now. there are things that i dont currently believe are completely true, so i dont mind mentioning things in a vague sort of way.

some things i dont mind talking freely about, things i think people might be shocked i do talk about. these things are mainly about my visual and aural hallucinations. i dont mind talking openly about these. i understand that people may not be able to fathom these things, i understand that people dont experience these things, but what i do know is that some people understand this is a thing. they’ve seen these things in films and television programs, maybe even the news. i think this makes some people more likely to understand. this doesnt stop the faces i get when i talk about these things. i always get faces. they might of concern for me, half the time they are, but the other half of the faces are of shock and caution. i dont mind either of these faces, the reason being, if people know who i am, they know im not a scary person, they know im not a freak, they know im easy to get on with. im just another person who just has a couple of other problems.

the reasaon i dont usually talk about my paranoia is because people cant fathom it at all. my paranoia isnt what you think paranoia is. paranoia can be worrying about someone talking behind your back, it might be worrying that the person who just laughed might be laughing about you, but these things happen to everyone. my paranoia is far reaching, it goes to depths that peoples minds dont go to. when  my paranoia is bad its even difficult for me to handle. it goes to places where i have to hide, literally hide. my paranoia can make me change my life, it can stop me living, it can make me scared to stand up, turn around, sit down, or even blink. just think, have you ever thoughts that if you blinked you were going to die, worrying that your eyes wont open again once they shut because thats how the body works, or maybe you’re worried that in that split second someone is going to kill you and you dont have the awareness. the blink things has happened a couple of times to me and its at the light end of bad paranoia. its all quite emotional really. oh well.

people cant fathom this paranoia. generally i just get told ‘dont be silly’ or ‘you know thats not true, right?’. i dont like these responses, which is why i dont talk about this stuff.

ive been out today having a wonderful time, and at the end of the day i had my chat about my schizoaffective disorder. i drove home and its all i could think about, so i decided to write it all down right here. i hope people may fathom a little more of what im talking about when i mention this stuff.


One thought on “Powerful paranoia.

  1. You just described the fear that grips me with my paranoia at heightened levels…it’s so hard to explain.
    The few times I’ve shared with some people they’ve given the ‘you know thats not true, right?’ responses and it hurts…they make me feel weak and I just stopped opening up about it in person to people outside of the mental health community.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.