yesterday i took the day off from writing on here. i took the day off to do some rational thinking about myself. yes, i took some time away to actually purposely think about myself, which doesn’t happen very often. i came up with some interesting results to this thinking, and i talked about them to my therapist today.
i firstly talked about me moving my boundaries and limitations wall that ive had in one place for such a long time. for so long ive been living the comfortable life. sure its not actually comfortable because of the illness that plagues me, but it is comfortable in the sense that i dont let normal everyday things that usually stress people stress me, namely work. if you’ve been reading youll know that ive decided to start looking for work. ive decided that its something i need to challenge myself with, while also giving me purpose and something to do. i moved the wall because i need some more structure in my life, and in moving the wall ive will hopefully get this. i just hope someone at least gives me an interview.
ive also been thinking about what im doing right now……….. blogging. this really helps me, and by me doing it more and getting more involved in the blogging world im actually learning. sure writing all of these things that happen to me helps but what i also helping is finding relateable blogs, blogs that i can read and learn from. i used an example today of how if my day is really not going well and if im not feeling anything good, i can just write the day off. i can just go to basics that day and be OK with it and just hope tomorrow is better. i mean, sometimes i wake up and know, and now i know i can just be OK with the basics and this really helps me. there are loads of things im learning. how im not alone in the mental health world when it comes to difficulties of feeling alone, having trouble making friends, even with my schizoaffective disorder and how others try to cope. im applying all this to myself and its making me better, its helping. thanks bloggers! you’re really helping me. 🙂
i also realised im putting things into perspective. ive talked about my paranoia very recently, and a little less recently ive been trying to figure it out. ive been trying to categorize certain parts of it so that i can cope with certain chunks. the everyday paranoia (as im now calling it) of social aspects of my life, or things that i have to tackle everyday ive just decided to live with. ive decided that its not something that im going to be able to get rid off, ive got it for life, i might as well just get on with life while it hangs about. im not letting it consume me, or at least not at the moment. yes there is other paranoia that i have that worries me, it scares me and causes me a lot of distress, but if i can cope with the everyday stuff easier then the other stuff shouldnt be as overwhelming and should lessen all the paranoia on my plate.
there are things im always going to struggle with. i have terrible anxiety, i have days of zero motivation, and i have days where its difficult to get out of bed. but im if distracted through work, if i have purpose to do something and a reason to get out of bed then surely im doing all the right things. i would rather live a structured life and have mayhem rather than living an unstructured life of nothing and also have mayhem. just with the unstructured life i also have to content with knowing i have no life. doing something to combat that is the step im taking right now.
all of this is why ive decided to really push myself. im not talking about putting 100% into everything, i cant do that, no one really can, im talking about taking the relevant steps that ive been scared of for years, taking them one at a time to improve me.
my mental health has disabled my life for three and a half years. it pushed me back down some steps but im ready to take those steps again, im ready to take charge. my word i hope this works!