why does anxiety sometimes just make a jump on you? why does it not let you have a good time? why did it make me go home early today?!?!
i went to a beach clean today at Sea Palling, a local beach of mine where about a million tourists and locals seem to go as soon as the sun comes out. there were no sunbathers today because it was raining, and raining hard! i pulled into the car park and was ready to get out of my car then i saw loads of people, and i knew right then that those people were going the same way as me. my anxiety didnt even bother creeping up, it just appeared, and appeared heavily. i honestly felt about twice my weight, and my heart felt like it was most of that. i froze, i couldnt move, i couldnt get out of my car. to get moving i thought id start small so i got my phone out of my pocket and just looked at it, a black screen. in my panic i just wanted to do something instead of nothing. i gradually made my movements bigger, i went in my bag for no reason, i fiddled around with random bits and bobs around the inside of my car. this all worked! i managed to get out of my car, i had calmed down a bit, i was ready to go.
the beach clean was alright. i knew what i was doing was good for the environment which up always up for. it was nice to go for a walk o nthe beach while doing something at the same time. i dont know if regulars have realised, i havent been to the beach a lot recently. somewhere ive been going a lot to get away, do a bit of writing, and practice mindfulness apparently. i got bored. theres only a certain amount of times you keep just keep going to the same place before it gets boring. it turns out my amount is about a hundred. anyway, i digress. even though the weather was horrible and no one seemed to want to talk to me it was good. i was thinking about what i was doing rather than what happened to me before i got out of my car. my anxiety never went away though. it became too much after about an hour and a half so i decided to call it a day.
even though my anxiety got the better of me i still only take good from this. a couple of months ago i wouldnt have dreamed of doing anything like this, so getting out of the house, alone, among other people, out of comfort completely is incredibly good for me. even though i wasnt completely comfortable doing what i was doing its not going to stop me from doing this again. im going to try and make this something of mine, im going to make it a regular thing for me. i mean, im helping the environment, it can only be doing good for me, its worth it, even if my anxiety will try and hurt me again. thats a guarantee. i wont give up though.
anyway, im off to keep up with my local football team, Norwich City, try and win. its my favourite players last home game for the club, Wes Hoolahan, and hes already scored.
Beach cleaning gear.