the past few days have been difficult for me. i havent been doing much practically but ive been having to do a bit mentally. ive been tired because of all the mental weights ive been lifting. i feel i need a boost right now and im not seeing one right at this moment. ive got an important day coming up and i need to be on the ball for it and my preparation for it isnt going well at all.
im having to do a lot of legwork right now. i feel like my support network has gone silent so im having to make as much noise as possible, although i have been trying something out. its important for me to have an openness about my mental health and its important that my support network talk about it as well. for support i need people to talk to me, i dont always open up easily, sometimes someone has to ask me about stuff for me to tell. im just not getting that right now. i want to be independent but i also need support, i need people to actively support me, im not always good at asking for it, especially when i spent months doing so previously and thought i had got somewhere. i understand people are busy, people have lives and other worries in their life, it just bums me out when i get forgotten about because of it. i need a lift sometimes, and sometimes i cant give that lift to myself, i need others to do it and they arent. believe me when i say its not difficult. a single phone call or text, and message across social media, these things really help me. when i dont have to make the first move on something i really appreciate it.
i went for my first solo walk at the beach in a while today. i needed to try and lift myself and i dont think it worked. i couldnt do a very long walk because the tide was so high, and maybe i needed a longer walk to help me but it just didnt feel right today. it felt like i was pushing myself to d o something i really didnt want to do, something i really didnt have the energy for. i took a picture………
im finding it hard to smile at things that usually make me laugh, im failing to tell awful jokes to people because i think the more silly the joke is, the funnier it is. i want to sit and laugh at stand up comedy, something i really love. im not talking about anything im passionate about because im not being given the opportunity. i live a very quiet life. some would say they would love a quiet life, but trust me, when it gets too quiet you wont want to live it, youll spend the whole times making noise in your head.
im trying to do the things that help me right now but they arent working. i think they arent working because i need some outside motivation to help me but i dont feel im getting it. maybe ill phone someone in a little while and talk about it. my job interview is in three days and i need to be ready, i need to be motivated, i just need a little help.