im all prepped. i think ive done everything i need to do for tomorrow. for some reason something ive never really been nervous about is job interviews. ive never really had too much trouble composing myself for them once im in there. the bit ive always had trouble with is getting the motivation to get me to that place. i usually manage it through pumping myself up, by getting a good feeling about myself beforehand. ive done that this time. as i was saying the other day, i need the motivation and belief that i can get there to actually command a situation. ive managed to get some good motivation from myself and others. all i need is to be in a relatively good place to manage an interview. it helps for me to relax and be more comfortable within the couple of days beforehand. ive managed all of it which is brilliant. i will go into my interview tomorrow all guns blazing, you never know, i might even get the job! we’ll see. interview first, dreams second.
im currently listening to MUSE. they are my favourite band and have been since i wasnt even a teenager, so about 16 years. oh maan! im getting older. oh well, i suppose its not all bad. i know i wouldnt want to live the last 16 years of my life thats for sure! anyway, Muse are awesome, they always help me and ive only just realised they are really going to help me now as well. they give me a rush, they give me a quicker beat to my life just by listening to their music. favourite song………….Citizen Erased. music is awesome, i love it for so many reasons. for some reason humans always turn to music in some way or another. music speaks out to everyone. i listen to jolly songs at christmas, i listen to sad songs when im sad, i listen to U.S pop punk music from the naughties to remind me of my teenage years. music is awesome for that reason. music is also memorable for me. i dont remember anything in pictures but i can remember something if there was music involved.
i dont really want to write anything to negative and pessimistic today because i need to keep my mood light, but i do want to write about something slightly to do with it. a few weeks ago i wanted not to live anymore, i wanted my life to be over and i didnt want to spend a second longer breathing. my life was a ruin and wasnt going anywhere. as much as i tried to make my life go places i got stopped at different hurdles. i was always having to wait for someone else to do something for my life to progress. i had to wait for timescales that never seemed to be fulfilled, i had to wait for phone-calls about volunteering which never came. i was just waiting for other people. dont get me wrong though, the reason i was waiting for these people was because i was trying to progress my life getting in contact with people, applying for volunteering, writing letters, sending emails, making phone-calls. it just cemented something that ive believed for years and years…………you cant trust other people. i believe this is so many different aspects of life. i believe it from work, i believe it because of backstabbing, bitching, personal experiences that werent nice. you cant trust everyone a mediocre amount but nothing more.
Now, the trust aspect hasnt changed, but what has changed is the fact that i dont want to ‘not live’ anymore. im now happy being alive. i always told myself when i felt i didnt want to live that there were times where i didnt feel like that. i told myself that life was better and i wanted to live it. i managed to pull through such a horrible period in my life. im now the other end and im really glad. so much has helped me, from family members starting to be there a little more, a friend messaging me from nowhere inviting me over, all the way to just getting a reply from a company offering me an interview for a job i applied for. sure, i had to kick a few people up the arse to get here but i am here now, the hard work paid off. i may not really be able to trust anyone that much, but people still do help, people are there, and they gave me the motivation to pull through my difficult spell into a place where im more comfortable, a place where im content with my life.
lets hope it continues. i know i cant get down if i dont get this job, ive just got to try and try again, after all, i now have my motivation back.