the sun has been out today but i havent been reveling in it. i havent really enjoyed my day too much. we had guests over for a barbecue which properly didnt help me. im not great with a lot of people so seeing people i hadnt seen in a while didnt help me. its not that i dont like the people, it just that most people (bar one or two) scare the life out of me. i am incredibly anxious most of the time. i have had alcohol today which probably actually helped me. i always worry that some day ill turn to alcohol as a solution. i know its not a solution long term but in the short term it helps me cope a little. I think something that bothers me about guests is people talking over each other. most of the time i have a couple of conversations going on in my head at the same time, so add a couple more happening physically at the same time gets really confusing for me. im not sure who i should listen to, whether i should just shut off, or whether people can actually listen to two peoples conversations at the same time. i know i cant do that, i cant see others being able to either. anyway, i just kept to cooking on the barbecue, making sure i had a drink in my hand the whole time, and trying to keep quiet so i didnt do anything wrong.
unfortunately i think the other day is going to get to me. as much as i want to take the positives away from my interview, the fact that i didnt get the job has negatively impacted me a lot. i think im trying to suppress a lot of this negativity so when i can turn it into something else that doesnt matter i will. i just think the time for me to do this is nearly gone, my times nearly up. im really worried im going to get stuck in my head, get stuck talk ing to myself with my internal dialogue. bad thoughts will start coming back, i will recluse, i will suffer, and i think ive probably only got a couple of days left to stop this. im not sure what to do. i am never sure what to do in these situations, i hardly ever get out of them. oh well.
im going to go now. i think i need to laugh. i might phone someone as well. ill see what i can do.