Paranoid problems. What’s even real?!

its such a nice evening weather-wise so i decided to come to the beach and write this blog post. the weather has been particularly warm the last few days, and today was the hottest day of the year where i live. its been a scorcher really!

my day didnt start off too well. i woke up and knew that today was going to be difficult. my first thoughts were quite paranoid and i started the day by doing a lot of talking to myself in my head. ive found it difficult to unjumble these thoughts today but have managed the day doubting the things in my head. ive been able to to doubt the poison thoughts that were an unwelcome start to the day, and are unwelcome altogether seeing as i havent had these thoughts in a while. that was my main aim this morning, to get those specific thoughts sorted, i managed just about. its good that i know my head is slightly together because it allows me differentiate between what is real and what isnt. i dunno, perhaps some of my thoughts and obscure beliefs arent actually real, i mean, i wont know unless i get better, and when im having paranoid thoughts im never sure when ‘better’ is. i sort of just have to go on what other people say about my character and think im possibly OK, after-all, i never really know whats real and whats not. anyway, my day of thought unjumbling has been tough, especially because ive found it difficult to distract myself when i needed a few minutes away from my thoughts.

ive also been struggling with the postman. im pretty sure hes not delivering mail that im supposed to be getting. hes trying to control me using the only bit of power he has over me. either that or the person i live with has somehow been intercepting my mail. hmmmmmmm……….. i dont often share this kind of thought because its personal, and ive got a million of them.

the whole day hasnt been too good really. i did phone up a volunteer leader to see if i can actual start doing some volunteer work where i live. the call went to voicemail so i left one of those. i guess ill try again tomorrow.

do you ever wonder if people who walk past you are strangers to you but are friends of people you know who have been sent out to spy on you? i do, and i am now. im sure im not the only person.

i suppose the only sort of good thing about the day is right now. the beach is peaceful this evening. there are some people fishing up the beach from me, the waves are gentle so the sea looks almost like a massive calm pond, and the sun is just starting to shine along the entire coast. i have to appreciate this, its the most relaxed ive been all day, ive just had to go through ten hours of painfully bad day to get to it. I think ill take a picture and walk back now.


sun beach

One thought on “Paranoid problems. What’s even real?!

  1. That’s a lovely view.
    Sorry about the paranoia…especially when distracting yourself isn’t working and you’re questioning others motives. I haven’t worked out how best to handle when I am like that either


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