I need to start my day off with a walk more often. i woke up this morning feeling the same as i did yesterday. i felt down, alone, like a waste of space and time. i called someone to have a chat because i wanted something to do and someone to talk to. this was good because it helped me make the decision to go for a walk at the beach. now i only live ten minutes drive from the beach so it wasnt too difficult to get motivated to do it but it still takes a bit of motivation. i got to the beach and it was wonderful. i havent felt like this about the beach for a while. i got a bit bored of the beach to be honest. i just didnt have the get up and go to walk there anymore. i think last nights walk at the beach helped me. it was nice and peaceful which gave me some time to reflect. today was similar in as much as the beach was similarly peaceful and it gave me a chance to just focus on what was around me rather than what was in my head. some call this mindfulness apparently. anyway, the beach really helped me today.
After the beach i managed to do a bit of self care, e.g having a bath and a shave, generally something i find difficult to do when im not in a good place. it becomes an absolute chore to look after myself when i dont feel like im worth looking after, but today i managed it. i then called up the palce i want to volunteer, two calls later and im finally going out volunteering on tuesday. finally dipping my toe in the water and now having something to look forward to. i really needed this volunteering after i got turned down for the job i was interviewed for. i need something in my life and hopefully this volunteering can give it to me. i had some lunch, watched some youtube on tv and then decided to vacuum and wash the kitchen floor. i hardly ever do cleaning like this, its just something i genuinely find difficult to motivate myself to do. so far the day has gone well.
sure my paranoia is lurking about. every now and then it pops into my head and wants to say hello but ive had things to do today, i dont have time for the paranoid thoughts and im trying to make sure it stays that way.
i rarely do this much in a day. these things are all achievements for me and i think its all because i managed to get myself out of the house this morning for a walk. the walk gave me a chance to relax, which gave me my day rather than it being stolen by bad thoughts.
i hope today carries on tomorrow. most of the time i cant tell if it will, but a walk tomorrow morning may well just help me mirror todays success, and if it doesnt at least i can remember that today i did a lot, and it could be the same in the future.