i stopped myself from writing on here earlier. i was full of angst, full of bad thoughts, and i thought writing it down would help but at the same time it probably wouldnt have made much sense. ive calmed down since earlier and thought id write now.
things are difficult. im struggling with my mind a lot right now. my inner dialogue over the last couple of days has been the thing of nightmares. ive been plagued with conversations in my head that have been winding me up, tricking me, and its been really tiring. i hate that my mind can make me believe things that have never happened, arent happening and that will never happen. my mind can make me hate people for things they’ve never done, things they’ve never said, perhaps even what kind of person they are. like i said, it tricks me. it turns bad thoughts into paranoid thoughts ( which are alsov obviously also bad). paranoia isnt nice. the paranoia that makes you hide away, the kind of paranoia that stops you from living a proper life, the kind that affects the way you interact with people, and im not talking about anything anxiety related, its a lot more deep than that, not even i can explain it, and im not going into much more detail than this because people wont understand and its really personal to me as well.
i will say that there are only certain times that i can separate the real from the made up. right now i can spot paranoia, right now im more comfortable, unlike this morning my head is screwed on a little more. this said, i have stated beore that maybe the things i do think are real arent, i dont know, but at least i can spot some of it.
im doing to my volunteering for a beach clean tomorrow morning. im going to walk to it from somewhere a mile or so away so i can get my head i gear beforehand. its a mile or so away from where i usually walk so it wont be much trouble. im hoping it will reduce the chance of me having a panic attack like last time. i can start from somewhere familiar, do something familiar, and hopefully find a place within myself that means im more comfortable when i get there. i want to reduce the amount of anxiety that will try and overpower me. i want to fight it with peacefulness.
Anxiety is a big thing for me whenever im around other people. it doesnt matter what person you are, im uncomfortable. i think the only time i can find comfort is when ive had a few drinks. it really does help me loosen up. i just dont want to drink every time im around people, that would make things more awkward in many situations.
talking about drinking, im looking forward to going away in august. it will give me the opportunity to relax, talk, and just be more comfortable. yeh i drink while im away but i dont all the time. i just hope i dont let myself down when it comes to it. i hope i can have a good time.
i tell you what, id walk to the ends of the earth right now to have a nice night out socializing. sure i will be uncomfortable, but i want a drink, i want to try and talk to people, i want to test myself. sometimes you just dont know, maybe it will be alright, maybe i can enjoy myself. i want that test right now.
im going to go now. i might take a little break from writing on here. i dont want to get too repetitive in my day, and blogging is becoming quite normal for each day. i want to mix it up a bit.