I’ve been snappy………not happy.

well i didnt get my EEG today. i think i was supposed to but i dont know what happened. what i do know is they offered me a different date which will be posted to me (good luck) and im also going to have an MRI scan. even thought im having this done when i talked to the doctor, and he asked me the right questions, he came to the conclusion that he thinks i dont have epilepsy. ive been saying for ages that if doctors asked me the right question i wouldnt even have to go to the hospital. alas i went to the hospital and the doctor there reckons my temporal lobes are A-OK. well, perhaps not that good, but they arent epileptic. He was intrigued by my schizoaffective disorder. he asked loads of off the cuff questions about it. perhaps it helped him come to the conclusion he did. anyway, ive got to wait for elusive postman to deliver some more post, something i dont think will happen.

apart from this, yesterday and today have been shit (sorry). I did my volunteering for the beach clean which was a goal i wanted to achieve but really suffered after. my mood was really angry. everything was bothering me, and i felt like i wanted to tear someones head off. i hate moods like this because i really dont think its me behaving that way. most of my life has been quiet. i have been the type of person who gets angry, i usually just get sad or afraid, but yesterday every single little thing bothered me, and anything bigger than little really made my blood boil. eventually i hid away in my room, feel asleep relatively early and got that day over and done with.

ive woken up today with less of the above but its still there. today i had enough in me to warn people im on an edge and that i perhaps will be a little less than easy in the near future. i told people that my batteries are on about 10% right now, and they’ve drained from about 70% in the last week. i think its important to let people around me know when i can, let them know im struggling a lot. As i mentioned at the top, i went for my EEG, that made me anxious, and when we had trouble getting out of the hospital car park i got quite short with the people i was with. i dont like staying in somewhere longer than i have to, especially when it could have been avoided. im home now, ive had some dinner, and im hoping just to relax a bit. im going to listen to the Arctic Monkeys’ new album which ive really like. the whole album is quite relaxing, just the sound of it is nice. its what sent me to sleep last night (woke up ridiculously early this morning, however).

ive decided im not going to go volunteering tomorrow. im not going to be able to manage it. its a risk of charging my battery to about 50% from 10, immediately, or going from 10% to 0 while im out volunteering. i cant take the risk, i need to go on a steady charge. i need to relax, i need to perhaps get away for a few days or at least treat the next few days like a holiday. the only issue with that is my weight. a holiday means more eating for me and im currently trying to lose weight. i weighed myself this morning and i lost 3lbs in the last week, so im pleased with that. i want to maintain losing weight so ill have to have a relaxing holiday feel without the food. BOOO!

im going to go now. i going to listen to that album.


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