sometimes its the smaller things that make me think more. maybe its the way someone acts when they’re relaxed, perhaps when something isn’t going as i planned in my head, or maybe its just a moments silence between talking. its amazing how something so little can affect me so much.
the last few days have been up and down for me. i went out volunteering the other day but had to leave early. the reason i left early is something ive not discussed with anyone, and if they think ive discussed it with them, ive lied about my reasons because i was worried how people would take the real reason. i was sitting there, on a boat, with one other person. i was worried this one other person was planning to kill me. every moment of silence while out together were moments where i was sure he was planning something. i felt like he was keeping a secret from me. the thoughts he was having were the secret he was hiding from me. i could feel tension. unsure whether the tension was a figment of my imagination, or whether it was was something real i decided to get away from it. once we were back in public view, back on the mooring for the boat, i decided to tell him i wanted to call it a day. he was ok with it which i wasn’t surprised about, i was pretty sure he didn’t want me around anymore. i have been thinking about this the last few days and still haven’t come to any concrete conclusion, but what i do know is…..i am out of that situation and somewhere safer now. it will be difficult to go out volunteering with that person again. small moments of silence.
i went to a family barbecue on another day over the weekend. i knew it would overwhelm me because there would be a few people about and they were going to be about for a while. i didn’t expect to be as overwhelmed as i was. it was nice to have younger members of the family around, running around playing games and talking about all the things that interested them, but i didn’t find the confidence of the adults appealing to me at all. they were happy so were more extravagant (if that’s a good word), they had a couple or three beers, and were chatting away about all sorts. they were loud, they were confident, they were…………relaxed. i felt pinned down by confidence and personality. i was so uncomfortable with how opinionated people were, how brash they were, and it almost seemed rude how over the top they were. i didn’t like this at all. i had to find my own space, a place to calm down. unfortunately, because there were little ones running around i couldn’t be alone, i couldn’t find a place to try and sort my head out and make sense of everything.
recently ive found a friend. this person is many adjectives, and makes me feel better about who i am. its all really nice. i do however worry when they’re not talking to me. i’m not talking about periods of time when you don’t expect to be talked to, and i’m not on about being communicative all the time. i worry when i say something that could be something more risky to talk to someone about, or saying something that perhaps makes them judge me. i worry that i scare this person. now, this doesn’t go for just this person, im like it with everyone, and as far back as i can remember i’ve always been like it, even when i was a little kid. i think, as ive grown up, ive tried to make my topics of conversation tame. ive tried to make sure my conversation doesn’t cause opinion of me and end up judging me on it, it doesn’t cause controversy, and most importantly that it doesn’t scare people off. ive worried these things for years and i don’t want it to happen just as certain aspects of my life seem to become less obscure.
ive been thinking a lot recently. i suppose i should say ive been thinking even more than usual recently. paranoid thoughts are coming into my head. i’m getting delusional thoughts about things, and ive been thinking darker thoughts about myself recently. all of this has let to the start of me self harming again. no, i’m not in danger but rather i use it to cope. i use self harm as a way to tell myself to think another way, i use it to tell myself off for thinking the way i was. for the most part it works because it takes my mind away from what i was thinking. i use self harm as a coping mechanism, so perhaps rather than thinking about it as “harm” maybe i should think about relating it to “coping”.
anyway, i have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow so i’m sure ill talk to them about all of this.