Malfunctioning? Not so much.

My first full day of not smoking is coming to an end. I’ve done really well today. Sure, I’ve been grumpy, I’ve had a bit of trouble keeping my head from making up scenarios, but I’ve spent the day without cigarettes. I had a conversation with a family member which also made me decide on what I’m going to do if i have a cigarette. I’ve been up to stuff.

for the last few days I’ve been having four cigarettes a day. I didn’t want to just completely come off the fags. No no, I didn’t want to do this cold turkey. I suppose I sort of am still. I’m not giving myself much time from smoking a normal amount, to smoking nothing. We’ll see how I get on. Like I said up above, I struggled today. I mainly struggled with my head making up nasty stories, nasty scenarios in my head. The worst part about all of this is that I believe these scenarios to be true. Sure, they may not have happened but I believe that the way its acted out in my head is exactly how it would act out in real life, and it makes me believe the person, or people, are nasty, or that they would do something nasty. This messes with my emotions, especially towards that person, or those people. I’ve struggled much worse with this in the past. This is child’s-play, just having one or two issues with this in a day. I suppose because my mental health has been so good recently it was just a little surprising that I had this issue arise today. Lets just hope it doesn’t get worse, get to the next stage, when I start getting properly paranoid about people… Where I start getting scared, rather than frustrated.

I’ve decided (with input from a family member) that for every time I have a cigarette, I’m going to go on the exercise bike for half an hour. I’ve decided this because I recently decided the exercise bike is mind-numbingly boring. I don’t care if it’s good for me, it’s not something I want to do for fitness. So as a punishment I have to work out for half an hour, going nowhere, just making my legs go round and round. It’ll work. BORING!

I haven’t been for a run since I last wrote on here. My stupid rash is hanging about so I need to make sure I keep that under control. Instead of running I decided to go to the gym. I went there with ‘D’. I was in there for over an hour, just working out my core and arms. I was put through my paces! I’m nowhere near as strong as I used to be when I was working outdoors as a reed-cutter. They called me the Ox back then! Anyway, I’m getting there. I’m doing sit-ups and press-ups everyday. I’m going to do some weights at home, and hopefully I can run every other day, or three days a week.

I feel better from the exercise I’ve been doing. I’m sure I’ll feel better for giving up smoking, and any struggles I’m having now are surely temporary and will pass to make giving up smoking easier. I just need my stupid skin to sort itself out and then i’ll be able to guarantee that I can run when I want.

My tag-line at the top of my site is “The malfunctioning human”. I’m now working to rectify some of the “malfunctioning” part of this. I will hit my targets, i will make myself, physically at least, functional.

I wouldn’t have even thought about these goals if it weren’t for the support i get from others. my life is difficult, and you lot make it easier for me, and make it easier for me to progress with targets and goals. thank you.


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