Anticipating October.

Today i’m sitting about thinking about everything and nothing. My mind is going to places it hasn’t for a month and a half. I need to be careful where it’s going to take me. living with schizoaffective disorder means i’m constantly waiting for that next delusion, or the next hallucination. i’m constantly analysing my thoughts, trying to figure out if they are paranoid thoughts or not. Right now I think i’m thinking about things that aren’t perhaps true. I’m putting two and two together and making something other than four. I’ve got to recover a little, manage my thoughts. not as easy as it sounds. I think I need to be occupied. i’m working on it.

I’ve also been making a plan for October. Now, October is a difficult months for me. I was discussing this with my therapist. My therapist has never seen me through an October so he doesn’t know what to expect other than what I’ve told him. it’s usually bad. perhaps it’s seasonal, but it’s more than a really low mood. maybe the low mood sparks up my psychosis. I dunno. Anyway, i’m going to see my therapist more than usual in October, just so we can keep on top of things. I’m going to go away for part of October to give myself a change of scenery and change of pace. mix it up a little. I’ve also come up with ideas to keep myself occupied. I’ve got stuff sorted just in case it all goes wrong. by the way, things going wrong in October are horrific. I’ve been to my worst places in the last ten Octobers. I never look forward to this time of the year. The weird thing is that once I push through October it’s all about Christmas. I love Christmas, it’s such a nice time of the year. I think nice is a really good word for that time of the year. nice with a smile (if you know what I mean). I’m going to kick October’s arse!

I’m not going to write any more than this today. I was going to write something about suicide prevention day but I don’t think i have anything interesting enough to write about that, not that anything I write is interesting. I write for me mainly, I just need reminding sometimes.



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