I think i’m in control of this mess!

Three and a half weeks. Well, just over that time. I haven’t smoked for this long!

blue and white smoke digital wallpaper
Photo by Rafael Guajardo on Pexels.com

I’ve been vaping which is something i’m not too keen on, I mean, is vaping bad for you? I reckon its gotta be better than smoking. Anyway, I’ve almost made a complete transition to no nicotine. So today I have vaped twice with nicotine, and only a small amount. I’m doing awesome! My aim is to get to zero nicotine, then all I have to do is break the habit of stopping every hour or so and shoving something in my face. Hmmmmm, this brings me onto my next…………thing.

My diet has practically stopped. I’m eating more and more. I’m not gaining weight which is good but I’m really gutted that I haven’t maintained my diet while giving up smoking. I mean, something had to give, and I guess eating healthily is that something. I’m hoping once I get to a better place after giving up smoking that I can remove the bad food from my diet again. I’m not going to be too hard on myself. Giving up smoking is difficult and I think i’m doing well, I’ve just got to be careful.

How’s my mental health I hear you ask! The completely honest answer is, I have no idea. My mind is going through fights everyday. This morning I was suffering with anxiety, and all I was doing was standing in an unfamiliar place in the countryside. I hated it! anyway, I relaxed later once I got back home, then I got a bit grumpy, probably because my lack of nicotine. I’ve relaxed again, and, in fact, I feel like I’ve gone to that place I go to when i’m over-tired. I end up feeling like being daft. I dunno, maybe i’m tired, after all I haven’t slept well. Also, I don’t think today paints a perfect picture of my mental health. I’ve been getting very paranoid as of late. I’ve been fighting some thoughts that occasionally pop into my head. I do believe my brain is trying to have delusions. I must ask actually, for those people who have delusions with their psychosis, do you sometimes get caught in a fight of trying to figure out if the thoughts you are having are delusions? This is whats happening with me at the moment. I don’t think these delusions will win, I mean they haven’t yet, unless they have and I just don’t know, after all, while i’m having delusions I have no idea they are delusions. I do believe I’ve written delusion about a million times now. Let me move on.

In conclusion, my mind is all over the place right now, fighting like mad, It’s been here before and it’s learnt!

My life is always a battle, and right now I know i’m in a fight. I think i’m winning, i’m not doing too bad. I’m giving myself stuff to think about, stuff that i’m choosing to think about. I believe these thoughts are currently drowning out all the negative thoughts I can feel lingering just under the surface. Sure the negative thoughts pop up from time to time, but I feel like my brain is batting away these, with only a few negative thoughts getting through. Lets see if it can carry on doing a fantastic job!


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