up, and then down again. Up, and then down again. This is me right now. I’m not sure whether to be grateful its not all down, or annoyed that my mood is going down. Half the time, just like my mood, i am good and satisfied that it’s not all down, and half the time i’m frustrated. I’m sure my mind will make itself up soon enough, it’ll just need a little kick in one or another direction.
One thing that is on my mind is this………I’ve been stating that this is my usual downturn at this time of the year, but its just come early. what happens if this isn’t early? what happens if this is some sort of appetizer for my mind before the main meal of October? This does worry me, however if this is as bad as it gets this year then I’ve gotten away with something this year. I think I’ve decided this is seasonal, it just causes psychosis because my mood is so low and my mind is running badly.
Right……… I was flicking through my medical records yesterday. not something you normally do, but i have them here because of a, now concluded, dispute over my illness. Anyway, i was flicking through because i remembered seeing something unusual a couple of weeks back when i first received them in the post. There was a diagnosis of emotionally unstable personality disorder, or more commonly known as borderline personality disorder (i’m going to use BPD which it’s referred to mostly). No one has ever mentioned this to me. I’ve had different diagnosis’ in the past but I’ve always been informed of what that specialist was thinking at the time. This diagnosis was from about two months ago, after a specialist visit. I’m a bit irked that i wasn’t told. If i was told there could have been lots of self help i could have been doing already. For starters, after researching BPD I’ve learnt that it really does fit my description. I’ve also learnt that there is a much bigger community for me to share my experiences, learn from others’ experiences. It;s so important to keep people up to date medically, i guess especially for mental health because there is so much you can do yourself, if you know what you’re doing it for. This was my most recent, new diagnosis. officially alongside Schizophrenia. So now i’m not sure about my schizoaffective diagnosis. ugh. something to talk to my therapist about on Tuesday.
I believe keeping myself occupied is the key for me to get past any bad spell that’s here, or maybe is yet to come. like I’ve stated more than once recently in my blog, i have plans in place. I made soup today, getting into the autumn feel. I think i’ll be doing some more cooking in the next month. I’m also on a quest to find a trailer in the next couple of weeks, for reasons that will become apparent later. My dad is dancing around the living room. what a plonker! Plonker in a good way. I’ll need silly things, small things to make me smile. they make all the difference in life. I believe those are the things that make life worth while. when they disappear life really isn’t anywhere near as good. It just feels like they disappear this time of the year. hopefully not this year. maybe there are some random little gems out there, to keep just enough of a smile on my face.
for you, yes you, reading this now, i hope there are enough little things in life to keep a smile on your face. Everyone needs something like their dad dancing around the living room like a plonker, a nice bowl of soup, or a little project to keep you amused.