Right now my mind is playing games with me. I hope you know what I mean. I’m having sporadic hallucinations which only last a few seconds but are there. I’m aware of them and I quickly pick up on what’s going on, after all, nothing in the house was actually on fire, and the TV just got a little confusing when it was saying stuff and I was seeing it very differently.

I’m glad I can pick up on these things. I feel like I’ve managed to train my own mind to live with hallucinations, recognising the early signs.

I’ve been scared of hallucinations in the past. The voices have helped me plan dangerous acts, and the visual experiences have pushed me very close to suicide. These things are scary. Perhaps it’ll get back to that point again, and if it does I need to make sure I’m in a safe place at the time.

I’ve managed to have a laugh tonight. I’ve made a fool of myself, but I did it in good company so it all just ended up being funny. I think, when I’m in a bad place it’s good to be casual but cautious. Hallucinations aren’t the end of the world, they’re just a part of my life that I have to get on with.

Schizoaffective disorder, schizophrenia, BPD, or one of the other things I’ve been diagnosed with are difficult, but like all diffi ult things in anyone’s life, I’ve just got to learn to cope, overcome obstacles, and be able to recognise the impact they may have on my life.

I hope this is as bad as it gets this time. I hope I get through this unscathed. I’ve just got to take every day as it comes.


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