There was a big family gathering yesterday and it was overwhelming to say the least.
I started the day with weeks of pre-knowledge of the event. I was ready for anything. I was jeed up and wanted to take on the world. Well, perhaps not the world but I was ready to take on the day….. Then people started arriving.
The moment someone arrived I started to panic. My chest went heavy, my brain felt like it wanted to split into four different smaller panicky brains, each one worrying about something enormous and different. I started to find it harder to breathe, I couldn’t figure out the simple things, getting confused vert quickly. Remember this is because someone arrived on a day where I knew exactly what was going to happen. Anxiety hit.
It wasn’t even an anxiety attack, rather just a flutter towards the attack end of the spectrum. I’m sure a lot of people feel this often, and for those that don’t….. The people who do feel like this feel like it quite a lot, and the presence of other people, any other people, makes it all a lot more apparent.
I’m used to this feeling, and the emotions that go with it. It happens, I recognise what’s going on, I try and relax and put in place my coping mechanisms. I will never say its easy, because it isn’t. It’s difficult to have to control something that you had no control over to begin with. I just keep my metaphorical eyes open to this sort of thing. I wish I didn’t have to deal with this but, like many others, I do.
How did the day go? I spent a lot of my time in the hallway between the busy rooms, trying to find peace. I spoke to family, it was all “me” normal for this sort of event, and I suffered a little in silence. After all, no one wants a party pooper…..right?
Anxiety is shitty. It ruins your day before it even gets into any sort of swing. I long to feel comfortable more often than hardly ever. I have felt comfortable in social situations before and it’s lovely! I would like to feel that lovely more frequently.