I’m in a weird position, a position my mind has put me in many times. Now I like to chat. It helps me with my well-being and helps me control my mind, so when my mind decides it wants to tell itself that everything I’m saying is wrong, things become tricky. I mean wrong in the sense that everything I say could be insulting, or I might regret it later, or maybe even the repercussions of the things I say could be life changing. I’m not talking about Donald Trump style speeches that should make me feel these things, I’m more on about saying hello to someone and then watching the world collapse around them or me. That’s right, me saying hello to someone could potentially make my mind think someone is going to die.
Now the bit that makes this less bad is those thoughts are fleeting. I don’t think these things for very long, but they happen with everything I say, type, and sometimes even the things I think about I worry about. So, right now, writing this is quite difficult. I’m sure this is all part of my schizoaffective disorder. Perhaps some psychosis. I think perhaps it floats between a bit of hardcore anxiety and psychotic symptoms.
I am thankful for the things that are helping me cope. Those people who talk with me and understand my sometimes peculiar reactions and conversations to things, they are really helpful, and its pleasant (when I’m not worrying). I have sought solace in food just recently as well. I mean, I’ve had man flu or something like that, which is annoying but I don’t think that the main reason I’ve been eating. I’m pretty sure its mental illness. I don’t really mind eating more at this time of the year. I struggle this time of the year and if food is going to help me then food is something I should embrace, and I’ve embraced all of the Halloween candy that hasn’t been given out (all of the the sweets). So yeh. Thank you friends, family and food 🙂
It’s not long until i get into the swing of Christmas. I actually limit myself to a month and a half of Christmas because I’m worried that if I have more of it I’ll get bored of it, and I’m not willing to try having more Christmas time just in case my fears come true. I also use Christmas to recover from this bad spell every year. its not a cure but its certainly a good pick-me-up!
While following other blogs, following other people on Twitter, and just having a look around the mental health community, I’ve learnt that I’m certainly not the only one that suffers at this time of year. I know about seasonal affective disorder but not until this year have I paired my own struggles with this condition. It’s nice to see I’m part of a wider community of people who have difficulties this time of year. You know what they say……… Misery loves company! And it is a little comforting, even though the situation is far from nice. I suppose i have to thank the mental health community as well, for the help I’ve had in just reading other peoples words about their experiences.