I’m currently thinking about some stuff that could potentially change my future. These questions could change the darker side of me. They could change the instability in my emotion. They could potentially heal some pretty hefty wounds on my mind. I could possibly be at the beginning of something huge for me.
I talked to my therapist today. I talked to him about a question I bought up with someone. It’s a question that’s being going around in my head for years, and maybe, just maybe I can find an answer now I’ve built up the courage to confront the issue. This question is sort of two in one, but it all relates to each other.
I’ve been finding it hard to find the right phrasing, so I was hoping that writing it down here would help me. So let me give it a try.
why is it so hard to believe people love me (especially when it’s spread on thickly)? and why do i discourage affectionate words towards me?
This has plagued my mind for years. It’s the reason I often see no worth in myself, and the reason I feel there is no love in my life. It’s the reason I feel numb when real emotional issues occur, and why I wonder whether I deserve what i have.
I can smile when people say such kind meaning words to me, but a lot of the time find them hard to believe. I can say it back, meaning every word I say, but not believe for a second that what was said to me was actually sincere and true.
I have a heart. I believe I have a big heart that wants to tell everyone I care about that I love them and that they mean the world to me. I would go to the ends of the earth for some people. It’s just that my mind hurts my heart every time it hears kind meaning words and it tells my heart that none of it is true. It makes me feel cold and cut off from the people I feel so close to. Writing this now, this probably has something to do with me pushing affection away. why on earth should kind words hurt so much???? anyway, it feels like my heart is small sometimes. It feels small when I can’t let love in.
This is definitely something in line with having schizoaffective disorder. This so badly affects my mood, causes huge amounts of depression and anxiety. This has pushed me right to the edge, and you could say, even further. It just dims my whole life. It may not be the psychosis part of my illness, but its certainly the depressive side.
I’m really hoping i can get some answers to these questions. I think it would help me ask more questions about solving the overall issue of perhaps accepting love and affection from people as genuine. I think this is something really important for me to pursue. This could potentially give me the light i need in my life, the light I need to see things a lot more positively. This could potentially relieve a lot of the depression that plagues my mind.