Let me talk about something that not a lot of people experience much of in their life time. This one’s niche for anyone who is trying to relate to a blog post, but hey, it might be an interesting read. i hope it is anyway. I have a feeling this ones going to be really personal.
I thought i’d write a little about psychosis. “whats bought this on?” I hear you ask. well I will tell you, my trip to the cinema today. Cinemas should be a place to enjoy something. y’know, sit back and enjoy the film, enjoy some highly overpriced food, laugh, cry, hide behind your hands, or in my case, sit there absolutely petrified for half the time you’re there.
Ever since the Batman shooting years ago in America i haven’t been able to watch a movie at the cinema in peace. Every small movement, every loud noise, little light from someones phone. these all scare me. these are all the start of something dangerous. Whenever i go to the cinema, which isn’t often at all, I am scared, at some point, that i am going to die. So this is why i thought i’d talk psychosis. this is just an example of paranoia and delusional thinking. I know now that no one is going to barge in on a small city cinema in the middle of a Wednesday afternoon to start shooting the place up. As gruesome as it sounds, they aren’t many people to shoot!
This is just an example of how my brain works. lets go further!
about a year ago i was convinced that every woman in the world was in love with me. Now i cant remember if I’ve written about this before. Imagine having half the population of the world in love with you…… It’s horrible! I was trying to figure out what signals women were giving me. I was embarrassed to be around family and friends. I got in trouble one time because i did something stupid. I tell you what though, me getting in trouble made me realise something wasn’t right with me. it made me realise i wasn’t very well. I didn’t seek help because i was embarrassed. I thought me family was in love with me! The stress of this caused me to get quite ill. I had the worst Christmas of my life, and needed to escape normal world. Not until February did i manage to escape. delusional thoughts, once again trying to ruin my life. I’ve only told three people about this until now (unless i wrote about it and can’t remember).
So…….psychosis, isn’t that all hallucinations and shit?! well it’s part of it.
Frank. I’ve written about Frank before. I will just say that writing about Frank is a little bit dangerous for me, but i think i’m quite strong at the moment so hopefully he wont come back.
Frank is a scary hallucination i have from time to time. Believe it or not it’s actually a hallucination of fictional character Donnie Darko. So if you’ve ever seen Donnie Darko you’ll know what i see. Frank is nasty. Frank wants me to do things that i really shouldn’t do. He wants me to hurt myself, he wants me to kill myself, and from time to time he tells me to hurt other people. So yeh, Frank talks to me with only two words……. “do it”. sometimes it comes from the direction i see him, sometimes its all the time, all over the place, at different volumes. it can be stern, it can be echoed or soft. however, It’s always the same voice. It’s the voice of my previous step father, the bully of my childhood. Hallucinations………a manifestation of my imagination, but has driven me to seconds away from death.
On a normal day to day basis i only suffer all of this mildly. I’ll mainly suffer with paranoia. seeing someone walk past the house and sending me into panic mode because i worry im going to get robbed. wondering if the postman has got it in for me. Or maybe just being a bit wary of the food i eat, just in case it’s been poisoned. I have my coping mechanisms. Sure it stops me from leaving the house for the most part, but actually i’m quite content. It stops me from making friends, and this is the most damaging thing for me. last year I lost all of the friends that live close. It’s for the best that i broke away from those dangerous shackles, but i never managed to find new friends. Now all i have to do is overcome my illness and find a way to make some friends.
I hope this was interesting to read. It’s only some of what i go through, but if i wrote everything down i would go on for ages (a lot longer than i already have). there’s some really personal stuff here.