I’ve had a bad spell just recently. I thought my bad spell was an after Christmas “thing” that I was going through. After a lot of thinking I figured out it’s because I’m turning 30 soon and this got me down. From discussions with others it seems quite common to go through some thoughts about how far you’ve come as a person, and perhaps, certainly in my case, how little you’ve achieved. Five years ago I was living with friends in my local city, I now live with my dad. I was going out all the time, now I have next to no friends. I had a good job that I loved, and I was earning nice money, enough for me to afford to live relatively comfortably. This isn’t the case anymore. It’s hard not to compare my life with those days. It’s been easy for me to think about how far backwards I’ve gone in life, and yes, age is just a number but the numbers stop at some point and I’m very aware I’m getting closer to that final number. I was thinking these negative thoughts, the whole time forgetting about a massive part of my world, something else that has dramatically changed, the part of my world that has commanded most of last five years……… my illness.
I’ve worked incredibly hard on myself and now I’m a lot happier. It only takes me a few seconds to remember that five years ago I was having regular, complex psychotic episodes. I was in a deep depression, and even though I was going out all the time, I wasn’t comfortable. Five years ago I walked around with my hood up because I literally thought it protected me from people reading my mind. I though any food people cooked for me was poisoned by that person. Five years ago I was a lot closer to suicide than I am now. After therapy, the right balance of medications, creating a support network around me and most importantly learning about myself, I now know how to contain my psychotic symptoms, just accepting that they are merely interruptions in the normal function of my brain, and moving on from them. I know when I’m pushing myself too hard, and that it’s acceptable to give myself a break before my condition tried to become more complex. I recognize when my mental illness is becoming too prevalent in my life, and sometimes just telling it to f**k off out loud really does do the trick sometimes. I’m not saying I’m in any way cured but i am certainly better at taking control of my life, and not letting bad thoughts control me.
Now I’m sure I’ll be back on here in a couple of months talking about how I’m suffering, and that’s OK because I’m going to have blips. I’m going to have times where I find it all a bit too much, and that’s OK too because I’m never going to have complete control. All I have to remember is that when I’m starting to dip I am going to be OK and that things do really get better, perhaps i won’t see it, not from the direction I’m looking at it at that time, but knowing there’s a different perspective that will show itself.
It’s amazing what five years does to someone. My last five years has been a journey of recovery, hopefully leading me into a new time in my life where I’ve recovered and I can get on with things.
I’m going to own being 30.
Bring it on.