Five Years – A Journey Of Recovery

I’ve had a bad spell just recently. I thought my bad spell was an after Christmas “thing” that I was going through. After a lot of thinking I figured out it’s because I’m turning 30 soon and this got me down. From discussions with others it seems quite common to go through some thoughts about how far you’ve come as a person, and perhaps, certainly in my case, how little you’ve achieved. Five years ago I was living with friends in my local city, I now live with my dad. I was going out all the time, now I have next to no friends. I had a good job that I loved, and I was earning nice money, enough for me to afford to live relatively comfortably. This isn’t the case anymore. It’s hard not to compare my life with those days. It’s been easy for me to think about how far backwards I’ve gone in life, and yes, age is just a number but the numbers stop at some point and I’m very aware I’m getting closer to that final number. I was thinking these negative thoughts, the whole time forgetting about a massive part of my world, something else that has dramatically changed, the part of my world that has commanded most of last five years……… my illness.

I’ve worked incredibly hard on myself and now I’m a lot happier. It only takes me a few seconds to remember that five years ago I was having regular, complex psychotic episodes. I was in a deep depression, and even though I was going out all the time, I wasn’t comfortable. Five years ago I walked around with my hood up because I literally thought it protected me from people reading my mind. I though any food people cooked for me was poisoned by that person. Five years ago I was a lot closer to suicide than I am now. After therapy, the right balance of medications, creating a support network around me and most importantly learning about myself, I now know how to contain my psychotic symptoms, just accepting that they are merely interruptions in the normal function of my brain, and moving on from them. I know when I’m pushing myself too hard, and that it’s acceptable to give myself a break before my condition tried to become more complex. I recognize when my mental illness is becoming too prevalent in my life, and sometimes just telling it to f**k off out loud really does do the trick sometimes. I’m not saying I’m in any way cured but i am certainly better at taking control of my life, and not letting bad thoughts control me.

Now I’m sure I’ll be back on here in a couple of months talking about how I’m suffering, and that’s OK because I’m going to have blips. I’m going to have times where I find it all a bit too much, and that’s OK too because I’m never going to have complete control. All I have to remember is that when I’m starting to dip I am going to be OK and that things do really get better, perhaps i won’t see it, not from the direction I’m looking at it at that time, but knowing there’s a different perspective that will show itself.

It’s amazing what five years does to someone. My last five years has been a journey of recovery, hopefully leading me into a new time in my life where I’ve recovered and I can get on with things.

I’m going to own being 30.

Bring it on.

3 thoughts on “Five Years – A Journey Of Recovery

  1. i had a very public meltdown here on wordpress when i was turning 30 and people here were sending virtual hugs and all. now i look back and can’t help laughing. it was funny.

    Well. im proud of you man. you have come a long way.

    and i reblogged your suggested posts today 🙂

    Like

  2. Wooooooooo! Yay for how far you’ve come and for your enthusiasm. Own the big 3-0.

    You’ve got this uniqueblog me 😀

    Like

  3. I’m significantly older than 30, but I consider myself in my prime…probably because it’s been such a long LONG journey to get here. It’s a process and learning yourself and how to manage the internal talking monkey on your back…and whatever other negative/positive symptoms you might have is a pretty huge thing. Something like that can’t be measured by external accomplishments so much, or it can be deceiving anyway. I suppose what I’ve learned in dealing with the emergence of my psychosis stuff (about 15 years ago, the mood stuff about 20), is that I get myself better than most people understand their own presence. Insight is a powerful thing. Certainly it offers control to an extent, but it also offers humility and humor…not all the time, mind you, but the process has turned to a type of pride for me. I’m not as brave as you…to record my experience, but I’m not afraid of myself or ashamed either. 30 is a marvelous thing…a powerful age as you slowly rebuild yourself. It very much is rebuilding…or building for the first time. I lost skills and things, but I also realized deficits and holes in my abilities where skills never really existed…like social skills and friendship reciprocity. That has been quite a hard path. But, in the struggle you learn your humanity, and can extend it to others in a meaningful way, even if not at this very moment. Consider how absent such a thing is in the world, and what that capability contributes to society.

    Liked by 1 person

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