I’ve been thinking about therapy the last few days, specifically how my therapy ended last month. I was thinking about how sudden it was and how in the dark i felt afterwards. I’ve seen, recently, that other people have had this experience as well. It’s nice knowing i’m not the only one who was a little left in the lurch with it all. Then I started thinking about how my mood has been in the last month, and its been pretty good. sure I had a little downward spell but I bounced back pretty easily from it. I haven’t thought about depending on a therapist, and I haven’t thought about things I need to tell him so that I can start fixing my life. I’ve been doing all the fixing myself. I’ve now got a plan for the rest of the year, something I wouldn’t have done had I stayed with therapy. I’m making more concrete choices and I can see a future without worrying about where my mental health support will come from. I can see a ‘normal’ future where I can just live my life without being held back by my schizoaffective disorder. This is nice.
Schizoaffective disorder. I’ve also been thinking about this label and what it means to me. I’ve been diagnosed differently quite a few times but this is the one that has stuck around longer than any others. I’m just wondering if it’s the right label for my illness. I feel like my illness is more fluid than just schizoaffective disorder. I feel I delve into borderline personality disorder quite a bit and i’m unsure if you can have one without illness alongside the other or whether it’s a separate diagnosis, I mean, I’ve been diagnosed with it previously. I haven’t seen the hard hitting depression I can get, for about a year now, and it makes me wonder if thats going to stay away now. Sure, I’ve been a emotionally unstable (so BPD ((borderline personality disorder) would fit) in a few ways, and for many years, so maybe something more along the lines of schizophrenia with BPD would be more fitting. I tell you what….. I hope I never know because i’d have to go back into therapy to get this diagnosis, probably, and I dont want to do that. Maybe, if someone asks, I can just tell them I have schizoaffective disorder but I believe my illness can be fluid in its behaviour.
Valentines day was yesterday and i enjoyed a lovely but lonely walk on the beach. I haven’t really done anything for valentines day for a few years and it hasn’t really phased me. I think it’s nice for people and that it should happen and love should be celebrated, but since I made a pact with myself to fix my head first before getting in a relationship I haven’t really been bothered by being alone on February 14th, until this year. I felt so alone yesterday, not upset that I didn’t have anyone to share my life with, but I was very conscious that I couldn’t share a moment with someone, and feel the bond I haven’t felt in, lets face it, a few years now.
My life is changing. I’m looking forwards, I’m adventuring further than I have done for years, putting myself into situations where past me would have caved. I’ve decided to get on with life and get back in the game. I hope, if i’m doing some of the hard work now, things like finding a friends and something a little more intimate will come a little easier.