Its no surprise to those people who know me that I’ve been doing quite well lately. My mental health is playing ball at the moment which is the best thing. I mean, it’s been playing balls for the last few months. Giving up smoking tested my mental health, and Christmas had a go as well, but I’ve stood up against those times and won. So now my mental health isn’t dependent on cigarettes, which is awesome!
I’ve managed to get myself a pretty decent volunteering role, which seems to be going really well. I’ve done plenty of training and have even signed up for some more. I’m hoping to be able to train people on personality disorders, giving many more people insight into what is quite a cruel set of disorders. I’m having a good time and learning loads, and hopefully it’ll continue this way.
There’s one thing I have kept at a distance for the last few years, and that’s dating, and its something i’m thinking about letting in to my life again, another challenge I could, perhaps, take on. But how can I date with schizophrenia??? I really don’t know, and its something I’m going to have to learn about. It’s certainly something i could easily believe doesn’t mix well.
I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder while I was in a relationship. it didn’t help the relationship at all, and the person I was with really couldn’t cope with my dwindling health. It was the catalyst for many arguments and i’m pretty sure it was the real reason for the end of the relationship. After this I had infrequent one-nighters but nothing more than that. I just didn’t want to date anymore. My previous relationship damaged me. The way I dealt with the break-up damaged me as well, and even more so, this experience made me think about how potentially damaging this illness was to future relationships.
There are a few things I have to take into account with my when it comes to dating and my illness…..
Paranoia. My paranoia is an awful stain on my mind. I feel like I cant get rid of it, even when i’m at my best. It can destroy happiness, evoke anger. It can make me think dark, unsubstantiated thoughts. in relevance to dating, paranoia can make my emotion and feelings for someone radically change in moments. all its takes is five minutes of thinking.
delusions. Something that scared me, something that was happening around a year and half ago was a delusion. a delusion of grandeur had taken hold of me. I believed every woman in the world was in love with me, and that they were all trying to communicate with me, secretly, in different ways. I figured this out after getting myself in a sticky situation, but it made me worry about something similar happening again. I mean, what if i’m on a date and its not going well, but perhaps in my mind things are going much better, so much better that my mind tells me that person is in love with me. how do I deal with that? I reckon i’m going to have to be really cautious of this when I start dating again.
These symptoms, along with bad past experiences, are just a few reasons why i’m so cautious about dating, why I’ve kept it so far away for so long. I don’t believe they are excuses, but they are certainly factors in my life that I can’t ignore when it comes to interacting with other people. I just know I don’t want to hurt, and I don’t want to be hurt. I suppose I’ve got to take a leap, I’ve got to make myself vulnerable on purpose, and this scares me. You never know, it might not go that well and i might be alone forever. I guess there’s only one way to find out.
I’m going to try a little online dating. It seems like a good way for me to dip my toes into these shenanigans. It’s a positive move for me and something, when i get out there, i will see as a big achievement. I need to take it slow. perhaps my life will be a little more on track soon.