sometimes I just wanna go out and buy a pack of twenty L&B cigarettes and smoke the whole lot. sometimes the urge to smoke is so huge it seems like the only solution to my incessant mind. My mind feels like its been taken over by some devilish entity that only wants to destroy me, and maybe it’s playing its part when it makes me want to smoke. The times i’m talking about are the hardest times i have to go through, especially since I quit smoking over six months ago. I’ve had this situation recently.
The last couple of days have been difficult for me. I’ve had a torrid time with paranoia. its been taking my mind in so many twisted directions. I feel like I’ve been the target of my own self conscious, and my mind has also tried to trick me into thinking i was the target of others, which hasnt been helped by the training course I’ve been a part of in the last couple of days.
I’ve been catching my mind drifting away to dark thoughts, thoughts that could lead me down a short path to nastiness. However, I’ve managed it all quite well. Though lack of sleep hasn’t helped with the overall control of my mind, I did keep noticing myself drifting away, and I managed to bring myself back into the here and now, back into the training room. I, for the most part, kept going through the training, even though, when I dragged my mind back I couldn’t quite grasp what the discussion in the room was about. I did let the people in my training session know that I wasn’t having a good time with my mental health, and they were very accepting. i even let them know i have paranoid schizophrenia!
anyway, it turns out I aced my training, so my paranoid thoughts and whole mind malarkey didn’t win on the day, I won.
anyway. I’ve been replacing smoking by eating ‘badly’, which I think is perfectly acceptable, but I do feel guilty because I lost a lot of weight for my health and I think it’s a bit risky for me to eat certain food. I, however, believe I have more control over food, more than I would over smoking. I could never just start smoking then just stop again. It actually makes me laugh when people say quitting is easy, and that all you need to do is just stop doing it. I’ve realized quitting smoking is still a big thing six months on from that last cigarette.
Even though the last few days have been bad, mentally, and even though I’ve really had the urge to smoke, it wont happen. I will fight the toxicity in my mind, and i will eat whatever i want just so i don’t smoke.
Thing seem to be back to normal today. I think, with a bit of sleep and a lot of reflection, my mind is a lot clearer. I’m just a little bored today. I will however be taking my best friend for a walk tomorrow (my best friend is definitely a dog), then I’ve got work in the evening.