Sometimes I sit here and think about my past mental health problems. I often think about those times where things were really difficult, and they are really vivid memories. I thought i’d write about three different times when psychotic delusions have been dangerous for my health, and sometimes dangerous for my life
1. I once stayed awake for two weeks because I thought the world would end if I fell to sleep. I would lay there in bed going over the different ways the world would end. I thought about all the destruction, thought about what would be left. Sometimes my thoughts were that I would be the only survivor and sometimes it was just that the world would burn up and everything would be ruined. I remember how ill I felt because of both my lack of sleep and how bad my mental health was. I had no idea this delusion was going on in my head, and that it was just a delusion. I honestly felt like it was completely true, and very real. I would frequently just spend the night walking around the house, smoking copious amounts due to stress and anxiety. It took me two weeks to finally fall to sleep – and it was only because my delusion told me that if the world was going to end I would be notified by secret sirens that were placed all over the world.
my mind finally caved, or maybe it was my body. whatever it was, I finally went to sleep and the delusion ended. I did have quite a few nights afterwards where I would think about it potentially happening, and that the world could still potentially end. I managed to sleep these nights but it took me a long time to figure out any of this wasn’t real.
2. There was a long period in my life, I’m not sure how long, maybe a year, where I thought every woman in the world was in love with me. I’ve written about this before but it fits in here as well. It wasn’t just women, it was a lot some men as well. I felt like people were sending me secret signals, talking to me in code, trying to tell me that they were in love with me. I felt like I couldn’t quite figure these signals and codes out. I was scared of them. It’s not nice having all these people in love with you. I didn’t know what to do. Some of the people were family, some were celebrities, and they were all the random people I saw while walking around town. (Side note: I still worry about walking places because of this. I worry i’ll have the same thoughts and that ill be dragged back into a bad cycle. its why i drive almost everywhere) I ended up acting on them to dire consequences. I don’t really talk in detail about what I did because its really embarrassing and humiliating. I got in trouble.
The incident that got me into trouble caused me to realize that I was being delusional. I think this was the first time I had realized, during this type of delusional situation, that I was in fact having an episode. I couldn’t believe what my mind had done. It made me doubt all reality. I didn’t know what was true and was wasn’t. It was horrible, but at least the thoughts about people loving me had died down. Again, I had a few times afterwards where I caught myself thinking people were in love with me, but I managed to calm those thoughts.
3. probably the most horrible psychosis I ever had was when I felt like people were spying on me. Now I feel like this quite a lot. I do worry that people spy on me. In fact even today, in the car park of the supermarket, I worried that the guy who was sat in his idling car when i went in and came out of the shop was just there to keep an eye on what I was doing. I looked in my rear view mirror many times on the way home expecting to see him following me. anyway, there is one time that really comes to mind when I think about spying. There was a time that I thought my family was spying on me. I thought they had put cameras up everywhere, they were recording everything I said, following me around, saying they were going to work but were actually waiting around the corner to see what I got up to. At the same time I was worried that the new neighbours were spying on me as well. I was worried that they were foreign spies and that they knew something about me that not even I knew. I thought I could potentially be a dangerous spy myself. I thought the neighbours were only there to spy on me. This caused me to spy on those people I thought were spying on me. I also used to go around the house when others were out, looking for cameras and recording devices.
Again, this sort of just disappeared after a while. I never noticed that all of this was even happening. slowly I started to stop looking for cameras. I stopped spying on the neighbours, and I started to go about my life a little more normal. A while after I debated whether this was Truman Syndrome (where someone believes there life is like that of the Truman show) but decided it wasn’t. I have however had Truman syndrome. another nasty feeling.
While all this was happening I still had those doubts in my mind that I wasn’t ill, that I was just like everyone else and that I didn’t need the help I was getting. I was on benefits and I felt like I was cheating the system. I don’t think its uncommon for someone with a mental illness to believe that they aren’t actually ill at all, but, just like I was in all these situations, you’re not aware that you are actually quite ill, and you really do need help.
I am currently in quite a good place. I no longer see a therapist to talk about my issues, and this is progress for me. I take medication to calm the storm in my head. The storm is more like a constant cloudy day, and occasionally it gets stormy, in fact its been stormy the last few days, but I am doing so much better than I have done in the past.
I do worry that my mind will go back to these places. I am very aware that my mind could well be on the edge of a cliff, ready to fall off the edge at any time, but I am doing alright at the moment. You never know, my mind could be in this place right now but I just don’t know, just like all the times in my life that I’ve mentioned here.
I’m still ill. I have paranoid thoughts everyday, but I can control them to some degree. I have delusional thoughts, but I notice them quicker than I used to. I regularly see and hear things that aren’t real, they just don’t scare me as much anymore. I have depression and anxiety, and i’m pretty sure there’s some BPD there as well. I’m just a lot stronger now.
Reading back, i guess this post was sort of for me. I just needed to tell myself that things have been bad in the past and that i’m doing quite well, but I can’t forget that I still do have problems and that when I tell people i’m ill, i’m not lying.