Just recently I’ve been struggling to get out of bed. Usually this would be because i’m not feeling great and my mental health has deteriorated a bit. But this time it’s because i’m tired. I’m tired because I’ve been busy, but what is ‘busy’? have I really been busy, or am I just using what I’ve been doing as an excuse, and actually i’m being lazy?
A few years ago I was working full time in a job I loved most of the time. I was playing sport in between, and still finding more time for a night or two out. I was living the life that from the outside, looked amazing! But actually, inside my mind, my life was a mess, a mess I was too afraid to confront, a mess that was running my life without me knowing it. I needed to slow my life down, and in the years since, I’ve done just that, and mostly on purpose. I needed to slow down to look after myself. I needed to focus on some recovery for myself. Mental illness was starting take over my life and I needed to organize my mind, and organize my priorities. “fix” parts of me.
Four years later I’m still moving slower but I debate, nearly daily, whether being the slow moving person I am is still a good thing. Nowadays (and i’m only talking 4 years) I really don’t think I can keep up with how I was living, and I don’t know why. My mind is in such a good place now. Well…it’s in a better place than it was a year or two ago. I feel like I should be able to cope with more. I know I want to do more, I know I want a more fulfilled life, a life with more substance, but it now takes me the following day to get over a single busy day . I don’t know why this is. Maybe I’ve gotten used to not doing as much. I’m not old, so I don’t think that’s the reason why. I’m healthier than I was a few years ago as well. I feel like I’ve lost something, and I want it back.
So why am I writing about this now? I’ve started working again. I’m only working a single day each week, but I need the day after to recover. I don’t feel like the work i’m doing is any sort of drain on me, other than a little emotionally and a little where tiredness is concerned. I feel weak and lazy because of this. Why cant i cope???
In my mind I do wonder if all of this is because i’m just not that busy any other time. Y’know, if I am more active my mind and body would just naturally become more active. I don’t know if that’s real science, though. Maybe, if I was busier more frequently I would have more get up and go about me. I’ve never been in this situation before. before I started my slow down a few years ago, I was very active, and my body could easily cope. it’s so frustrating that its not the same now! OK, i’m doing more now than I was a few months ago. I’m moving my life forward and am taking on new challenges, but I still feel like if a stranger looked in on my life they would think “well that guy is lazy and wants to just cruise through life mooching off others”, and this hurts.
I know random people don’t know my story. I know I’ve actually had a difficult time, and forget that I, quite frequently, have a difficult time, but this doesn’t stop me from wanting to be the person that people see and think “he’s really succeeding at life”. Maybe i’m just looking at myself in this light. Maybe i’m upset with myself and where I am in my life, and this could be true because I don’t actually think I am happy with where my life is.
I wish I knew all the answers to the questions I have. I guess sometimes you’ve just got to live out life to find the answers, and maybe this is one of those times. I feel like a change is coming. I feel like my person will go in a different direction soon. Maybe i’ll become more energetic, maybe my mind will start answering some of my questions. I don’t know but I do feel like its coming, and I hope its a good outcome. I’m just thankful I’ve got this space to try and figure my life out.