I think i’m having a bit of crisis at the moment, and I’m having this crisis in quiet. I’ve decided to come here and write down whats going on in my head because I cant really find the words to tell a person, so maybe you lot can just read it and that’ll be fine. But just to be warned, I am really struggling to find words to talk about it. I’ve got to somehow come to terms with the person i am, and i have no idea how to fix it. I use this space to verbally think about what’s going on in my head, and i’m really going to do just that.
firstly, I had been taking musical theatre dance classes for a few months. I started these classes because I wanted to meet people. I wanted to socialize, be a part of something, and mainly, make some friends. These classes were great, for none of these reasons. I’ve been trying to get fitter and healthier, and these dance classes were helping with this, but I would say a few words during the whole class and then i’d sit on my own, pack up my stuff and go home. somehow doing something with so many people made me feel really lonely. Another big problem I had was the weight of expectation the people I knew had. They all thought it was great I was doing these classes, and yes, it really was a big step for me. I was getting out of the house, interacting with the real world, and making myself vulnerable. people were really encouraged by my move. Little did they know I was hurting every time I went. I felt I had to keep going because of the expectations I had set, but I couldn’t stand the pain I had when I got in my car at the end and my heart broke a little. After months of deliberation I decided I wouldn’t continue, and I was frightened of telling people, but I did, and i’m not sure if it was completely OK with everyone, but there you go.
I’m actually stalling from writing what I wanted to write. anyway, I felt like there was more to leaving dance classes than I could see on the surface, so as I do with all things I gave it a lot of thought, and this is what I came up with. I have no friends from years ago. in fact I don’t really have many friends, and none I see even sort of regularly, in fact I see them once a year, and even then those friends really were my fathers friends first. I sort of piggy backed for those friends. Argh! Anyway, no friends, and I haven’t kept friends. I’ve never been in a career. I did stay in a job for 4 years but it made me miserable, and towards the end of that time i was having months off work. I haven’t stuck to any hobby ever. I never follow through with plans. It seems I can’t commit. I cant commit to work, friends, not even family. It took me a few days to figure this out completely, then I started thinking about why i couldn’t commit to anything.
i’m scared i’m not passionate enough about anything to commit. I’m scared of relationships. I want company but I don’t really want a girlfriend, but actually I do, but I don’t because things might go wrong. I’m scared to go into work again because I might fall apart again, failing at what a human being is supposed to be. And I do wonder if I don’t commit to hobbies because, actually, if I followed through with a passion someone will judge me for who I’ve decided to become. Wow, that’s really true. imagine deciding to be a type of person and losing everything that you did have just because you took a path that doesn’t agree with your current life. This scares the life out of me. I didn’t want to admit it but all of this is true. I’m a scared person, who’s worried they might fall to pieces, and if I don’t fall to pieces myself, my life will fall to pieces around me.
I hate thinking, but all the stuff that I’ve thought about is true. I don’t know what to do. I’ve currently got something really good occurring in my life and i’m scared its all going to go wrong. I know it wont be long before I start giving some serious thought to running away from this as well. I don’t think anyone has the answer to this. This is obviously a fear of something, and I cant be the only person to have had this issue, after all there are seven billion people on the planet.
I think one certainty is that this is linked to my mental illness. I’m not sure if this is part of the personality disorder diagnosis that I was given. I don’t think this is delusional thinking so i’m ruling out my psychosis. There is something wrong here. From experience therapy hasn’t helped with this sort of thing. I just feel like I really need to get my life in order but i’m stopping myself through fear it’ll go wrong.