who am I? This is a question I’ve been thinking about just recently. It’s not a hard question for me to answer…….when I’m asking myself, but what if someone asked me? this is where I struggle, and this is because I don’t want to tell people about me. Sure i’ll tell people about the standard stuff, telling people about my family, how old I am, tell people I like sport, y’know safe stuff. I’m afraid to tell people about my beliefs.
I want to please everyone, and in doing this I do believe I please no-one. I have strong beliefs. From just talking to people I know that everyone has strong beliefs, but why am I scared to talk about mine?
I want to make friends at the moment. If you’ve been reading my blog posts you’ll know that friends, for me, are few and far between. But I’m scared to talk about my beliefs in case I scare people off. Now people have told me that if I am just who I am I will make friends. I’ll find the right people who I should be friends with. Do you know what……..its so incredibly hard to for me to be myself. I’ve spent most of my life hiding behind a facade, and as an adult I’ve been scared to reveal my beliefs to strangers in case I get a bad response. I worry that i’ll alienate myself. I think you get the standard stuff that people might be cautious about when discussing, politics and religion, but people are still more outspoken about this than I am. It might be because I’ve proven myself wrong on both of these subjects so I feel like my views shouldn’t matter because I might be wrong, but surely I’m more educated than I was. Ohhhhh I don’t know!!! Maybe i should use this platform to express my beliefs, or maybe not because I know certain people read this and I worry what they’ll think of me. let me do a bit….
The other day I was scared to tell someone I was vegan because of the tirade of judgement that could come my way. I compromised quickly in my head and told them I was vegetarian. I’m frightened to tell people I’m an environmentalist but at the same time it’s something I’m really proud of. There are certain things where I don’t think my voice is as important, for example I get furious about the lack of equality between men and women, and lack of equality between white and BAME populations but I’m scared I might upset someone if I express my views. Why would I even want to be friends with someone who gets upset at what are views on basic human rights?! But alas, I do get scared.
by doing all this I completely alienate myself. I stop myself from becoming a normal, opinion expressing. I think this doesn’t help my mental health. I think this is atrocious for my paranoia, especially when I accidentally let something slip! I do wonder if this has something to do with my personality disorder diagnosis but I’m unsure. what I do know is that when I’m not doing as good, when I’m struggling with my mental health I worry about expressing my views. Maybe the two just clash.
I do worry that if I ever do get a partner, that before it gets serious i’ll stop it from going any further. I worry about this with friends as well. I’ve been like this my entire life and I do believe it has affected these relationships previous to today.
This is the next thing in my life that i’ll have to learn to overcome. I need to understand that i’ll only ever gain friends if I let people in, and that i’ll need to express myself so that people can figure out if they actually like me or not. I’ve got to learn not to hide behind small talk and generic chit chat. I think I need courage because I’m pretty sure i don’t have any.
I’m not surprised I don’t really have my own friends (Bar a cool pen pal). There’s so much further I need to go before I can work out how to be the real me, and earn the right to have some friends.
P.S. I’m petrified of this blog post going out because I have expressed some personal views. I hate myself sometimes.