I’ve been feeling guilty for the past few days. I’ve been struggling with my mental health for a little while now, a little more than usual, and I decided to ignore this issue in the hope that it would go away. It didn’t go away, in fact it got worse. Now I cant be the only person in this horrid world that struggles with guilt when it comes to having a bad time with mental health. There are so many reasons to feel guilty. There’s the feeling of being a burden, the guilt of not being able to perform as well at tasks as you might usually. There’s relying on certain people a little more than usual, and so many more reasons to feel guilty, and I haven’t even mentioned the guilt on yourself!
A few things have happened in the few weeks. I’ve have a bad tummy, I’ve hurt my shoulder, and because of this I’ve missed some work. What I do believe started all of this off was completing a benefits claim form and returning it. This benefits claim form made me think long and hard about just how my illness affects me, and I’ll let you know right now its not a pretty picture once its all written down. For around half of my days i get on with life. Yes my illnesses are whirring around doing their thing, but I manage to not think about it. The other half of my days involve thinking about my illnesses and how they affect me. If you haven’t read my blog posts before, I have Schizo-affective disorder, or maybe schizophrenia and a personality disorder. I have depression and anxiety but there are eclipsed by the former. So when all of these little antics that my mental illnesses get up to are in front of me, overwhelming me, I start to think about them more, and the slippery slope that I manage to stop my myself on gets a bit more slippery, and I start sliding down again.
Anyway, benefits claim form shitty stuff has put me in a worse place, and the following issues that I had have made things get gradually worse. Whats the first thing I do? I tell the people who will interact with me a lot. I spend a lot of time talking to family for support so I let them know i’m struggling, to which both my mum and dad both responded in telling me that they had noticed. I’m obviously not as good at hiding it as I used to be in my teens. My family will support me even though they don’t quite know what to do. They are worried that I wont stop getting worse until I hit the bottom, and this does happen occasionally. And what on earth does it mean when my illness gets worse…… a literal living nightmare. I see bad stuff, I hear bad stuff, and I think even worse stuff. lets really hope it doesn’t get here.
I guess its just a matter of mental illness management. I know I’ve got to look after myself and I will. I also know I’ve got to try my hardest to continue with life. I will carry on going to volunteering even though I’ve missed that two through sickness, and I’ve got a little project going with my dad in his garage that I will continue to work on (even if i’m taking a little more of a back seat), and I will continue to wake up, get up, and get on. Well at least that’s what i want.
I have a holiday coming up soon which i’m really looking forward to. Maybe I need it to be in the next couple of days but 6 weeks time will do. Maybe this will ease my problems.
As for the benefits claim…….. i’m sure it’ll all be awful and long winded like last time. I can’t wait!