being overwhelmed is always an uncomfortable feeling. I sit there overthinking the world, overthinking myself, and overthinking every single moment. I get caught up in negative words, negative voices, paranoid thoughts, and thoughts of doom and gloom. There’s not really any action that has given me reason to be feel this way, no reason other than awful thoughts that just start to filter into my mind.
these thoughts have slowly been filtering into my mind for a couple of weeks now. I initially blamed the nights drawing in, and do you know what, it could be that, but it feels like something more. It feels like I haven’t been taking my medication (I have) for a while and the affects are starting to wear off. Yesterday it felt like nothing was working for me, and I got a bit of a hit from these horrid thoughts. I was doing the washing up, cleaning up a little before I went for a doctors appointment, when I started to do a lot of uninvited, unwelcome thinking. there were no positive thoughts. I found myself aimlessly moving my hands around a washing up bowl more interested in what was going on behind my eyes. slowly winding myself up into a spring of negativity.
My trip to the doctors was quiet. I was with M which was nice, but i felt like i was alone with my thoughts. Dangerous.
anyway, what are these thoughts? They’re just my usual government conspiracies against me. Throw in a few voices telling me I’m not good enough and that I should be punished. I know for sure that I made up a few horrible stories about people I know, which made me take a disliking to them, when in actual fact they’d done nothing wrong, and I know this, but somehow I still believe these fictitious stories. these thoughts eat away at my positivity, and yet I get sucked further in, allowing my positivity to be devoured. Overwhelming.
These thoughts don’t just last the moment. I’ve carried on these thoughts into today, and its made me quite emotional. I’m supposed to be out doing my volunteering right now but had to call it a day early. I drove home crying because I didn’t want to put up with the negativity that was consuming me. I started thinking about whether this is the start of a downward spiral, knowing fully well that this is how they’ve started before. Maybe this is just a blip, but I highly doubt it, as the hardest part of the year is looming over me. I hate October.
Writing all of this is for my benefit. I’m writing this to grapple with the issue I have. I can read what is wrong with me and i can express myself openly, relieving some of my stress and emotion. That’s why I write this blog, in case you were interested. hopefully this has helped me today.