I get a bit rocky this time of year, and this year has been no exception. I started to struggle at the end of September and then really struggled throughout October. I’ve been mainly struggling with paranoia. I’ve been worried about all sorts, and my mind has taken me on quite a few paranoid trips. It hasn’t been nice, in fact its been quite distressing.
But what does someone with paranoid schizophrenia experience when they are going through a rough patch? I guess it’s different for different people, but here’s what I experienced this time around.
Firstly, just to let you know, it’s sometimes quite embarrassing to talk about the beliefs I have because once I recover I think I sound a little absurd, and its actually a little embarrassing to admit I thought these things.
Spies. This is something i have suffered through a few times in the past. I worried my counselor was a spy, the people in the office were spies, certain members of my family were spies, and I even worried I was a spy. Most of the time I don’t know why I’m being spied on, and other times it can be to sabotage my life, and this time, to report back to the government about how I was being mistreated by certain people in my life (I was being mistreated by anyone). Sometimes when I’m going through a bad spell I believe I’m a Russian spy, but its all kinda covert, and it’s even supposed to be a secret from me but I’ve figured it out. Can you now understand why I feel quite embarrassed about admitting to this stuff? I also get the normal worrying that people who walk passed the house are spying on me, and planes flying over are spy planes that are going to also bomb me, but that bothers me less and I get that almost every day. I keep quiet when I feel like I’m being spied on, and keep even quieter when I think I’m a spy. I don’t want to let any secret information out, I don’t want to give someone a reason for spying on me, and often when I feel like I’m being spied on I remove myself from the situation so that the spy cant see me. I think that helps at the time, but there you go, its not real anyway.
In this bad spell I worried a little bit about people wanting to kill me. Random people mostly, just wanting to attack me and kill me in public. in fact I couldn’t leave the house today because of this. I wanted to go for a walk around the block just to get even a little exercise today, but I couldn’t because I was almost 95% sure I would get killed. I stood at the door with my coat on, frozen to the spot, stuck between wanting exercise knowing deep dark down that I wouldn’t get killed, and the fear of getting mauled as soon as I turn the corner out of my road. today was just an aftershock, a little bit of my bad spell that has spilled over into November. the last of it, hopefully. I was getting this nearly every day in September and throughout October, and into the beginning of November. Imagine that if you can………worried you might die while you’re just wandering around your local supermarket. Sometimes it’s okay to just put your shopping basket down and leaving the shop.
I’ve had the radio trying to talk to me in the last couple of months. I’ve believed what I was watching on TV was only for my eyes and that no one else in the world was seeing what I was seeing. The classic worrying that the postman was withholding my mail. I have loads of these quirky little things happen to me throughout the bad spell. Sure, they happen throughout the year but aren’t nearly as frequent and as strongly believable as when I’m in a rough patch.
As you may well understand my anxiety levels are pretty heightened at these times. Theres a lot to worry about. dealing with my anxiety can be really difficult, and with my paranoia rife as it was, anxiety is a huge factor in my life.
In the last couple of months I’ve looked after myself in a different way to usual. I’ve really indulged in things i wouldn’t usually. I’ve been away a lot, staying at family’s houses, taking some time out. I haven’t necessarily been up to much, but just changing my scenery and keeping my life as fresh and new as possible. This seems to help me focus on the actual real things in my life. I’ve had counselling, which has gone well. I’ve been to the doctors and they, alongside mental health professionals, decided to increase one of my medications, although blood tests are coming back a bit rubbish from this change so I’ll see what happens there. I might have to change my medication completely. Gutted, but that’s another story.
Now to look forward to Christmas, which I do every year, too early for most of my family but i don’t care, it makes me feel good. I’ve been in the kitchen, I’ve made mince meat ready for mince pies, I’ve made Christmas puddings that can now mature up until Christmas day, and I’m making orange and cinnamon vodka, which should be ready in time for Christmas as well. I’ve already spent hours at garden centres and department stores looking at Christmas decorations. After having the worst time of my year its now time, for me, to have the most wonderful time of the year.