I’ve got a few things to get off my chest, so I’m going to write this a little more like a diary because I haven’t written on here in a while. Bare with me whilst I figure out what the hell i’m doing. I’ve got talk about my psychosis and a bit about bulimia, and a bit about just how depressed I bloody am.
being at home for 5 weeks is really starting to play with my mind. I know i’m not the only one, but my schizophrenia has been interesting. I’ve noticed Covid-19 hasn’t really played a part in my symptoms, and by this I mean I haven’t been worrying about the world ending because of it, or thinking i’m going to die because of it. I’ve watched the news, got frustrated with it (just like most others) taken everything with a pinch of salt and carried on. Now i’m sure there are people suffering with schizophrenia who are having a really hard time with these sorts of thoughts, and i hope for their sake, more than most others, that this is over sooner rather than later, or at least that you find some comfort from some sort of progress.
I’ll tell you what has changed for me……….I’m hearing voices a lot more. they’re these weird voices, y’know, the ones that aren’t nasty, they’re not really anything voices just a bit random. I hear knocks at my door from time to time, of course no one is there but i go check anyway. I’m also seeing things out of the corner of my eye a lot more, or things that are fleeting, just a moment of seeing Frank, or seeing people peeking around corners. These are all normal things for me but I guess my stay at home psychosis has just been more frequent, but I’ve been alone at home more than usual. I am becoming more aware of these incidents though, so i do question whther these things are real when they happen, which is good in some respects, but I don’t like questioning everything, its not a good way to live.
It’s hard to say how my paranoia is doing. I know I cant go for walks because I think i’ll be attacked. these thoughts are less strong when i’m in no way interested in going for a walk, and extremely strong when I put my shoes on ready to go. In fact, yesterday I got out of the house and walked about twenty metres up the road before I turned back in a panic and speedily walked back into my house. I was trying to fool myself by thinking music would drown out the paranoia, so I went out with my music on and it just made things a whole lot worse. I couldn’t hear if i was going to be attacked, and i don’t know about you, but when my paranoia’s hanging around I rely heavily on my senses as a way of being warned. Maybe I’ll smell smoke, or I can hear footsteps, or I can see potential dangers. Sometimes there isn’t smoke but i can smell it, sometimes there probably aren’t footsteps but I can hear them, and these things are real to me, so I panic. anyway, walking around where I live is very stressful for me so i don’t do it. I went for a nice leisurely walked up and down the garden about 100 times yesterday instead. I am desperate to get back to the beach so I can be a little more carefree and I can practice some mindfulness.
I’m going to talk about bulimia now. I’m really private about this usually, it’s very personal and i’m quite ashamed of it. about 12 years ago someone pointed out that I had gained quite a bit of weight over a short period of time, and this made me feel awful. I didn’t really think of my weight until this was pointed out to me, and then I became ashamed of who I was, what I looked like, and what example I set. This feeling drove me to lose weight quickly. Now I’ve never really delved too far into what bulimia is because I was too ashamed to even look it up, so please correct me if i’m wrong because I’ve just found a couple of definitions and they sort of fit my description but don’t fit it specifically. Right, i went on a sort of diet. I would eat very little during the day then i’d binge eat in the evening. after feeling awful about what I had done I would merely purge. I would get rid of all the food I had eaten that evening. This became really regular and it just turned into my routine. It felt like I should be doing it, and that it was the most reasonable thing to do for my body. I lost a lot of weight very quickly, but I felt good because no one could question my weight again. of course I’ve since learnt that this is not a good thing to do, but I tell you what, it’s tempting sometimes. I get the same feelings that I had twelve years ago and I just want to do it again. in fact I have done it a few times since the first time twelve years ago, just not to the same degree. I felt exactly the same all of the times, ashamed of myself for the monster I could see in the mirror, and I felt extremely low. There’s a reason why i’m bringing this up and that’s because these thoughts are extremely strong at the moment and i’m worried i’m not going to be able to deal with them very well. I’m very body conscious at the moment and I feel the need to purge.
well, there’s something I’ve never told a therapist.
I’m depressed at the moment. Just before lock-down I had to get away from home life. I needed a change of scenery, a breath of fresh air because i’d got into a real slump. My mood had really dipped and I was wondering if I should just give up on everything. I self harmed because I needed to feel something else other than my polluted mood. I usually go away to refresh my batteries but I haven’t been able to do that this time. Lock-down arrived, I got home and I’ve been stuck here ever since. I want to cuddle a dog, I want to listen to the sea, I want some time to clear my head of all the bad thoughts i’m having and try on focus on something more productive like my future because, i’ll tell you right now, my future looks shit. I have no plan, my mind wont let me plan, all I see is my existential dread. I feel like I might need some help figuring out who I am as well. I just need some positivity. But none of this will stop me from telling people i’m okay when I talk to them, as you do.
Well there you go, just an insight into the last few weeks of my mind.